It Isn’t the twins really. Everything Else Basically!
(A Mother’s Rant!)
Hey everybody. Sorry today it looks like a ‘vent’ day, if you don’t mind. We all have those days every now and again, and you can just skip over this one, if it isn’t what you are into reading today, I would totally understand.
Ok, I had a physical the other day, and my blood pressure has been high the past couple times, it’s been checked recently. Now, normally I have low blood pressure, despite anything, for whatever reason, at times as if, how does she have a pulse at all, it can be super low, and I’ve been told that was good, so high blood pressure, was never a concern of mine. (Glad to have 1 thing to not be concerned about), BUT I spoke too soon.
Now, I suddenly have acquired an obvious problem with it, and the other thing the Dr. who also is a cardiologist, can attribute this sudden change to, is the birth control pill.
I’m on Yaz, which is fairly low dose, and I’m on it for pain of endometriosis, which affects me almost daily at this point, and it helps quite a bit, though I do not understand why my period is still so heavy, and why even if I skip placebos I have a period at all, when I should not. Also, why the heck am I bleeding now, only one week after stopping my period? These questions I have no answers to, but if you live with severe endo. pain, anything is better then that super horrid debilitation.
They asked me if I have been having headaches, and oh yeah, migraine city for some time now, but I haven’t known why, and have been prone to them over the past few years anyway. I definitely do notice it gets worse under stress, which is often, of course, I’m a mom of many here, stress goes with the territory. Anyhow the Dr./Cardiologist proceeded to tell me, how especially AT MY AGE…I wanted to smack him 👿 he he…At my age, I shouldn’t be taking the pill, and taking it from now until menopause for any reason, would put my heart at great risk, and he forced his wife to get an IUD, because the hormones in birth control have very bad effects on the heart, and can cause a lot of problems, and wanted her off, by ‘My age’…clearing throat. Thing is, if I’m correct, an IUD simply prevent pregnancy right, what about my horrible endometrial pain?
Ok, so I could go off birth control, and maybe have fewer migraines and my blood pressure should level back out, but if I do this, then I’ll be sitting my hiney on a heating pad most every day, having awful pains in my abdomen, shooting down my legs, into my back. Where is the good option here? So, I’m gonna drop dead if I continue on this or what? He just said he wouldn’t be on it if he were me. My OB didn’t say anything bad about it, or about my blood pressure, it was high, no biggie, but he’s so passive. I really don’t know who to go with. The only time I feel great is when I’m pregnant, and during those first postpartum weeks, before the first real flo starts, and I’m not getting pregnant. UGH!!
I guess blood pressure would explain why when I tried the Yasmin pill, which is a higher dose, I completely had debilitating headaches…far worse, my pressure must have been through the roof. I just don’t see what I’m supposed to do. A mom in pain will never be mother of the year, and I want to enjoy my children before they grow up and leave home, not miss out on anything, because of pain. Before Mikayla I had no pain worse then average, at all, now this! Life stinks:(
Then today, my daughter starts her dance class. It’s a combo of Ballet, Tap, and Acro, and I’m thrilled. I danced from 18 months on, for a large portion of my youth, and would just love to see my own daughter in a little recital. I eat that stuff up, so I was elated she finally said she wanted to, and let me enroll her.
She’s been nervous about starting though, because she doesn’t have friends in the class yet, so it makes her nervous, which I understand, but told her, no worries, because my friend said with certainty, that her daughter was going to, same time, so they could be together. Mikayla has been so excited and looking forward to it, ever since she heard that news. NOW, I get an email last night, that it conflicts with her daughter’s religion class, so now she isn’t going.
Not for nothing, but I don’t tell my daughter anything until I’m certain, as to avoid the disappointment, that she gets when things go array, but this was like a definite, so I’m really upset about it, and she doesn’t know, because I just found out before I went to bed. I hope she will still want to go. I spent the last two days rushing around the county, hunting down tan tap shoes (black is all around, but tan are hard to come by).
A black leotard, pink ballet shoes, and honestly, though it should have been simple. (Must be a lot of little ballerinas out there), pink stockings, had me traveling from place, to place, to place, but finally I got it all, and was really excited that she would have her best pal in class with her, and now I have to break the news to her, and hope she’s still excited to go. UGH!
Last night, the hub was supposed to give me a hint of me time, as to de-stress myself, which was to me a work out, because it’s been ages here. Since they have moved his hours back at work, he’s going to bed earlier, and there is no time for me to work out, and do stuff before bed time, like I used to, because after dinner almost, it’s time for him to sleep. I’m getting burnt from this new schedule of his, and honestly, need some time, because I haven’t been able to get a 10 minute work out in. He used to be very caring and respectful of helping me have a bit of me time, but he’s not been this way lately, and I’m starting to get a little P.O -ed if you will.
I take the kids out 95% of the time, and try and give him as many breaks as I possibly can, and all I ask in return, is for a little time, a couple of days a week, to have a work out, and sip a cup of tea, without anybody screeching in my ear, which was always fine to him, but now, i waited all week for his night off, so he wouldn’t be going to bed early, and he fell asleep in the room with one of the babies, and when I tried to wake him, to ask him if he was ok, the horns came out, and he totally snapped at me, for no reason.
I ended up leaving him there, and getting Allie to sleep at almost 10pm, which is super late for the twins, and I just have not much to say to him right now. I’m annoyed, and obviously did NOT get that time. Once she passed out, shortly thereafter so did I. He didn’t even make it to bed. Oh well! Bad for me, that the stewing I felt over the situation, caused me an IBS attack, so imagine me on the toilet bowel in severe, worse then labor cramps, with a baby on my knee, dying, and him downstairs fast asleep.
Mikayla has been the roughest part of everything lately really, so I might as well ‘go there’ while I’m at it. She’s my princess, really she is, no matter what she says or does, but the jealousy is out of control over here, and after 6 months, nearly 7? At Mc Donalds the other day, people were fussing over the babies, as they often do, I cannot help this sadly, but she got attention back, by purposely opening up the emergency door, so the ear piercing alarm went off, into everybody’s ears. Do you know what my parents would do to me, if I had done that? She also took the sneakers out of the cubby holes and threw some in back of the net area where you couldn’t get to them. I had to help fish them out, with much difficulty. Then yesterday she threw Annie’s favorite toy over a fence, into the mud, on the way home from school.
I sware, when I am out in public places with her, I’m going to have an ‘I’m sorry’ t-shirt printed up, because she is always acting out lately, and I am forever apologizing to parents. It’s very draining. Ever see the movie Problem Child? This is her now, and it breaks my heart as much as it embrasses and annoys me, because I know the underlying reasons, but I have done everything, even above and beyond, to ease her jealousy and nothing has worked, and I just don’t know what else to do. It feels like a losing battle, and so many people tell me by now, this should be but a memory. It surely is not.
She was such a good kid, I hope the old Mikayla comes back to us, because it’s like having a totally different child. I mean she was never an easy child, and always loud and hyper, but that was her, at least she respected us, and others for the most part, but now since the babies, it’s flipped a switch on her, that I can’t seem to flip back, and every day it just drains the life out of me.
That is the absolute hardest part about having twins, having a jealous sibling. Normally, it shouldn’t last this long, but I see no end in sight, not for unlucky us, and if I see a mother of twins without any older siblings, or two close in age so they have eachother at least, without a super large gap. Believe me, I tell them they have it made. Especially, if they only have the duo. I can only imagine how much easier things would be.
People say ‘Oh well she’s in school now that should make things easier.’ For real? Drop her off, feels like 2 minutes later, I pick her up. There really is no time in there at all, with these half days, in our district. I try and get her involved in things to make her life more normal, and get her out around friends, like what was supposed to happen later on today, but no matter what I do, where I take her, or what I buy her, it lingers on and on, and gets even freaky at times. Want to hear something from a few weeks ago?
Allie was in the swing, and she had rocked it manually really high and the frame shook. I grabbed the frame and said to her. ‘What are you doing? You could kill your little sister’, and what did she say to me in reply? ‘Well, at least I have another one, right?’. My heart sunk, and ever since, I’ve been very nervous. Every time I think we have taken steps forward, we get one back. The jealousy is so much worse then I ever could have imagined, and it really makes me want to cry at times.
Anyhow, enough ranting. I know long term all of these issues will be resolved, and worked out. Hopefully without a heart attack on my part. I have to find a way to get myself out of pain every day, so I can have a clear head 24-7. Very hard living this way and keeping the smile on your face, as I most always do, despite it all.
Anyhow, I am sorry to all those I bored to tears, but sometimes it’s nice to be able to read someone else’s stories, and say ‘I’m glad to be me’…HAHAHA. 😆
Ok, time to cook up a bottle, or two. I hear some stirring!
OH…can anyone else tell me, have you noticed your twins still drinking the same amount of formula, or breastfeeding the same amount, despite increasing or adding solids to their diet? Mine are eating twice a day now, and still going through the same amount of formula. 6 bottles (A case), every 2.5 days, is A LOT of formula, but it just hasn’t cut down any, by giving them the solids. Isn’t it supposed to?
Oh, and I have a precious (dark, but precious), little video of Allie, saying DA DA, a lot, among other silly noises and babble! It came out of nowhere about 5 days back, and she has been talking up a storm ever since, with DADADA. It’s truly precious. I’ll add it below. Like I said it’s dark, because I thought if I go and turn the light on, she might stop and the camera was within arms reach, so I wanted to grab it and capture it, in case she stopped babbling. I just love watching them grow, but it’s happening so fast!