The After Life & Your Loved Ones. Do You Believe? (OT, But Very Interesting!)
The After Life & Your Loved Ones. Do You Believe? (OT, But Very Interesting!)
Angels Among Us? Are You A Believer?
I know I am
10-23 through 10-24-2010
My Twincesses’s are galloping their way to 8 mo. old, but ho… now. They are still 7 mo. for the moment:)
You may think after you read this post, that I’m altogether insane, or an extremely interesting person.
Or perhaps a few of you reading this, may even be able to relate, but either way, I’m going to post it, because it’s on my mind today, and I’m a writer, and that is what writers do, off topic or not. (On their own blog anyway!).
What do you believe happens after death? I was raised Christian, and completely believe in God, Heaven & Hell, etc., but I DO believe, that loved ones who have passed, can send signs to us, even visit some of us, on occasion, and my theories on why I do believe in this, goes back decades ago, to my own childhood.
My grandmother lived with us, and basically raised me for the first 11 years of my life. Sad to say it, but it’s true, that she is basically a good 95% of all the memories, of my 1st 11 years of life. Especially the fondest ones.
She passed away unexpectedly, one cold March afternoon, back in 1986. (Some of you were not yet born, and all I can say, is ‘Lucky you’.) My mother had put Grandma into a nursing home, a couple of weeks prior, and I had visited her earlier that day, and gave her a few lollipops, and said ‘I will see you tomorrow Grandma’.
I was her pride and joy, the only one I can ever say I made proud, who loved me as is, and treated me like no other. She was my rock, yet oddly in the months before this day came to pass, I had been the one to be hers, by reading her the Bible, introducing her to Jesus, and she became saved, at that time. For that, I am proud.
At any rate, like I had said, I saw her in the earlier afternoon, she said with a starry eyed smile, and I remember it well, ‘See you later, ShelleBelle’, as she unwrapped a lollipop, and placed it inside of her mouth. She just adored her lollipops. Later on that evening, is when my mother got a call, that left her crying on the kitchen floor, dropping the phone to the ground.
My mom never cried, not one other time in my life, that I can vividly remember anyway. My parents are not the crying ‘Emotional’ type, if you will, which wasn’t good as role models, because I learned that big girls don’t cry, and to smile through my pain, and that had, and still has, a devastating affect on how I react to my own personal tragedies. Very sad, but I guess they didn’t realize.
My mom told me that as a young person, she cried so much, that she lost all of her tears. They were all shed, and gone…every last one of them. I used to believe that, of course now I do not, but she cried that evening, and that was the day, my whole world changed forever.
I had lost a mother to me, and the very best friend a child ever had. I was devastated, but in deep denial, that somehow this was a mix up, and she was fine. I couldn’t fully grasp it.
Without warning she had passed away, and to tug at the heart strings further, with one of the lollipops I gave her that very day, still inside of her mouth. That left me little comfort. I remember feeling disbelief, anger at God, at the nursing home, everyone…even myself, though I know I couldn’t have saved her life. She was an old woman.
I was very sad inside of my heart, when I knew she wasn’t going to be playing dolls me with anymore, singing songs to me, reading books, and watching my little tap, and ballet shows, I put on, in the kitchen, pulling up a chair for her to sit in.
She taught me how to play the organ, ‘I love coffee, I love tea’, with two hands, and nearly a quarter of a century later, I can play it, like it was just taught to me.
Not having her to run downstairs to, and fall asleep with, so she could carry me up to bed, was such a loss to me, I couldn’t deal with it. Just the fact that she would never be coming back to me. I would never get another chance to make her proud of me. After that frigid March day, life would never be the same, ever again.
This is where it gets strange, and now I start talking about the topic above, but I sware every word of this is true…Truer then true. One night, I got up in the middle of the night. I headed to the fridge for a drink, as my throat was dry. I took a container of orange juice, out of the fridge, and put it to my mouth to sip. (Gross I know, but hey, I was an 11 year old kid, they do do that kind of stuff).
Anyhow, as I drink, I hear something on the right hand side of me. I turned my head, and dropped the whole container of juice onto the linoleum floor, as I saw my Grandmother before me, and drawing nearer. Not climbing up the stairs, like she had, oh so many times before, but literally floating up the stairs, right towards me, with her arms wide open, and a big, luminous smile, upon her glowing face.
I stared for a couple of moments in disbelief, and as she got nearer and nearer to me. She looked like herself, but not like her as a human. She was more transparent, then we are, and we certainly can’t float.
She started to speak. I thought Oh my God, I truly hope I’m asleep right now, somehow, but pinching myself, it didn’t work. She spoke, and this is all she muttered, ‘I didn’t get the chance…’, and before she finished saying any more words, which sounded more like the words were coming from outside the apparition I was seeing, then within, I jetted back into my bedroom, turned on the light, and jumped into bed, shaking like a leaf, to put it mildly.
After a couple weird but scary occurrences, I found myself sleeping with the lights on quite frequently, (Almost always), and even now as an adult, I never sleep in the pitch black dark. I deny any of this is the reason why, but I often wonder why, when I leave the television set on, night, after night. The station makes no matter. It’s on right now, as I prepare to nod off shortly.
Was I dreaming? NO. How do I know for sure? Well, I will tell you how I know. The slap on the hiney, I caught the day after, by my father, for leaving the mess of spilled O.J, all over the kitchen floor, which I had clearly forgotten about. It was all very real, and for the rest of my life, I have felt guilty, because I know what she was trying to do that night, and what she was trying to tell me.
We had never gotten the chance to say good-bye to one another. She left the world suddenly, without warning. The doctors said, she was doing very well, so we were all completely unprepared, for the news.
Now bearing heavy on my heart, hurting me for the rest of my days, has been dealing with the knowledge, that that fateful night, she didn’t come to scare me. All she wanted was one last hug we never got to have, and simply that missed opporunity, to say goodbye, which in looking back, I really wanted more then anything myself, and wish I had given to her.
But I was just a child, I was out of my mind scared, so I try and remember that, now that I am older, however still I find a lot of times, I get unhappy with myself, and remain guilt ridden over it, to this day. Ever since, I just prayed she’d forgive me for running off, as I dreamt of her, but never saw her again sadly.
That was the first major, life altering loss in my life. I wrote about her in stories and poetry, throughout my life, and never believed I could see a more awful loss in life. Even the death of my former fiancee, the ‘Love of my life’, or so I had thought, was excruciating, but was nothing, compared to the death of my first born son, 5 years ago, that would come some years later.
When they say there is truly nothing worse in the world then losing a child, all I can say is ‘You got that right’, and I have been through A LOT! Nothing compares, not anything that even the most imaginative of minds, could think up, it’s just THE worst!
Losing my grandmother was like losing my mother, father, and if I had one, a sister, and friend, in one shot. Losing My Ex, was like the death of a dream, a forever crack in my heart, that could never be mended, and losing my son, it just, nothing could compare, it took a huge chunk of my heart, at least 1/2 of it, and it never grew back, and it never will, until we re-unite again.
He was the literal glue that held me together for so long, what got me through the pains, trials, and tribulations, I was going through in life, and helped me grow strong, and to lose him, was like losing myself, in a major way. I don’t know how I ever survived that. I never expected to, if it happened, which forget about denial, I was passed even that stage, it just was NOT going to happen period! God just wouldn’t put me through that, or so I had thought.
With him, after God did call him home, I had prayed and prayed hard, for him to send me signs from above, because if I didn’t feel him still around me, I didn’t think I would ever make it through, and God listened. He didn’t listen to the many prayers I sent to spare my son.
But with time, a lot of it, I learned to forgive him, for what I can’t understand in this world, it will be explained to me in the next, so I figured some faith is always better, then none at all, and No, I never saw him, as I saw my Grandmother, but I feel his spirit, near me, almost every day, if not every day, in some respect. Very hard to explain, but I know he’s not gone/gone.
Once in awhile, I look at my Allie, and see a part of him in her. A part of his personality, a part of his face and his smile, a part of who he was, inside of her demeanor, but it’s not really HIM, though it’s really funny how that happens, and only with her, never my other children. It makes me tear up and smile.
I have gotten signs, that have brought me waves of peace, throughout the years, in different ways, and those I never find scary at all. I find them comforting.
Have you ever seen the movie The Sixth Sense? It is one of my all-time favorite movies! If you haven’t seen it, you are missing out, so go to your video store and rent it, but do not watch it with your children around. It will surely creep the kiddos out, so heed my warning.
It was on t.v a couple of weeks ago, and I had it playing in the background, as I typed my blog post for the day. It struck me when the little boy said, ‘Sometimes things don’t get lost. They just get moved.’ I truly believe this is one of the things that our lost loved ones do, and some of us, may not even realize this, but think about it right now.
Have you ever been certain of where you put something, and then it’s POOF not there? Then you find it some other place, you know you’d never put it in, but you just rationalize that you must have, and leave it at that? This happens to me all of the time, and at times has made me feel like ‘What am I crazy?’, after hearing that…NO, I believe it’s not me at all. It’s a sign. It can be a simple ‘Hello. I’m still here’ from the grave.
Ok, maybe on occasion, it is our own faults, but there are just times that you KNOW…anyone who has experienced it, will know exactly what I mean. If you are certain, you are certain, and sometimes it’s in a place you just would NEVER have expected, much less put it in.
On the 1st anniversary of my son’s death, my daughter was just an infant, and that night, me and my husband ate dinner together outside, while my mother in law, tended to the kids. I had planted a tree on this day, in the yard, and had bought a cross to put by this little tree of his, and wrote a few poems to bury in the ground.
I felt in my heart like, if I watched the tree grow and thrive, it would help my healing inside, and I’d feel closer to him. Like part of him was still alive, and growing, and thriving to, even if that sounds crazy to some, of course my husband went along. Whatever would help me heal. (Not his biological child, but he still loved him very dearly).
It was an impossibly hard day, and when I put the cross by his tree, I was very emotional. Now this was a solar powered cross, that I had gotten that day, in the mail. It arrived in the nick of time, and it had never been exposed to sunshine, or any kind of light, had no batteries inside, so I knew we didn’t have time to make it light up that night, but still it was great that it arrived in time, to place it by the tree, I remember thinking.
I took many pictures that night, and brought the kids outside at one point, and took several more photos, and when me and my husband looked at those photos, later in the evening, we were both dumbfounded. All of the pictures with this cross in it, had a light beam emitting out of the front of it, and shining in a line, right towards the sky. No place else, but into the night sky, straight up to seemingly where us humans would expect heaven to be.
It was to this day, the MOST bizarre yet amazing thing, I have ever seen before in my life. The next night, I re-created the scene, and took dozens of pictures of the cross, on every camera setting, at every angle, and got NOTHING whatsoever. Not a sparkle, shine or glimmer, as I was wanting to believe, but in being a skeptic at times, I had to experiment. It was outrageous, and wonderful to see, it was that night, and that night only!
When I find which computer of mine (I have been through 3 lap tops and 3 desktops since my 1st online experience, back in 1998…BAD luck with electronics.) 1 was never backed up, because the drive won’t spin, (Case in point, it would cost thousands!) And one back up drive from a few years back is MIA, but around here somewhere. Bet ya that’s the one!
I have been unable, in the past year or so, to find where these photos are hiding at, but when I find them, and I will, I surely will share. It was amazing, and no one could explain them to me.
I even emailed a couple to Ghost Hunters, and related sites, looking for some answers, or confirmation 😳 . Was it something else? No one could come up with a thing to tell me, to go against my theory, which is what I had been hoping for all along. It was insane.
In the photos, there were a couple with my baby daughter, looking at the cross and simply smiling at it, ear to ear, as if she saw something more then me and my husband could see. A light right beside her, shot up to the sky, and she was looking right towards the light with the biggest grin on her face.
There was a haze, a fog if you will, on the nearby fence, and in one photo it looks TOTALLY like a face, unrecognizable, as to WHO, but definite, ghostly looking, right on the fence beside her, and that just took my breath away. It wasn’t just seeing what I wanted to see, everybody I showed the pictures to saw it, including my whole family. They are total skeptics to.
I felt so close to my son that night, and ever since that day, had such an inner peace inside, knowing he’s always with me, and he hasn’t really gone..he’s here, I just have to look harder, is all..read the signs! There are times I feel closer to him now, then ever, when he was really ill and couldn’t communicate to me.
I feel like he communicates with me now, and all of the horrible nightmares I used to have, when he got sick, because I was so deep into denial, in my waking hours. Now? Completely and totally GONE. No more bad dreams about him, only fond ones.
He freed me from that pain I put upon my shoulders in my waking life, through OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Thinking my compulsions, were what was, and what would continue to be, helping to keep him alive, because it had been working for so long, I couldn’t stop….
(That can happen in extremely stressful situations, in which you have zero control over, and feel utterly powerless against. It’s the mind and body’s way of trying to gain some control over a completely helpless situation.)
That instantly stopped as well, though I’d by far rather have my child, and put up with the nightmares and the compulsions, but that wasn’t my choice to make. I am so thankful to my son, for freeing me, from the things I’ve mentioned, However, nothing and no none, can completely ever free you, from the pain of such a deep loss…NOTHING!
At any rate, signs I have gotten, have been far between, but very inspiring to me, and an overall sensation of him being near, is pretty much daily. Things definitely do get moved from place to place, in my home, without any rhyme or reason, and I know there are kids, so sometimes they can be pegged as the culprit, but other times, they are definitely NOT. Sometimes, it makes you feel like you are going crazy, because you just know, you never would have put that there.
And another thing that was said in that movie ‘The Sixth Sense’, that is very real, is that it gets cold. Have you ever had the hairs on your neck stand out on end, for no valid reason? Gotten goosebumps, that came on in an instant?
Felt cold around you, when everyone else is feeling warmth? Or you note, that it’s not cold at all, but suddenly, inexplicably so, it does becomes very chilly? That I believe, is definitely one or more, of our guardian angels (Lost loved ones), standing near by.
On the 5th anniversary, of my little boy’s passing, the twins were here, (Obviously), and we are going back 2+ months now. We went over to a park where I had a tree buried in his name, with a plaque on it, in a place where they celebrate the lives of lost children, which is such a nice thing, that they have.
To me, it’s more easy to visit with my family, then to visit the cemetery. The cemetery is a place I feel at this point anyhow, I have to go to alone, it’s just too much for me, to not upset my daughter, by breaking down. She’s very sensitive like that.
She will shed 100 tears, if she sees me shed 1, so I have to be careful around her, for now, but hopefully one day she’ll be mentally ready for the trip, and the outcome of such a trip. My teenage son, has a hard time going there himself, and I don’t push it. They were nearly Irish twins, It was a deep loss for him as well.
We all went, the whole lot of us crazies, to the park that day, and it was a gorgeous, and very warm, and humid, August day. I brought with me, the usual helium balloons, we would release into the air. (We do this on his birthday, and on the anniversary).
It’s something that helps me personally, so the whole family gets involved, but this year something happened. The air got really cold around us, we all felt it. Suddenly it had gone from 80 degrees at least , with high humidity, to a chilly 45, or so it felt.
Everyone got a chance to release a balloon, even the new girls, and a wind just picked up out of nowhere. Luckily, the balloons still got carried up and away, and not into a surrounding tree, which would have been quite a disappointment, but where did this sudden large gust of wind come from, after releasing the balloons for him?
Why did we all get extremely cold, for several minutes as we stood by the tree, and then when we walked away, the air got smooth again, and warmed back up? It was the most incredible thing.
Also, while we were there, I noticed that Annaliese’s favorite nookie ‘Wild child’, which suits her to a tee 😆 , was suddenly, not only missing from her mouth, but off of her pacifier clip oddly, and she is NOT that strong, but it was simply nowhere to be found. It wasn’t in the stroller, it wasn’t under the stroller, we went back and re-traced our steps, it had vanished into the thin air, someway, somehow.
I know it’s only a binky, but it was so cute, I had to look a little, so it wasn’t like I didn’t KNOW it was gone, it was GONE. Hub looked to, and then said, ‘We’ll just buy a new one, no worries’, so we left, never further looking back. 2 nights later, it appeared inside of her mouth. Explain that one? I can’t, except for one thing, and one thing only. A sign from above. An item that got misplaced, from quite aways away, indeed!
I could go on and on, with these stories that have happened, for hours, but of course, I’d have carpal tunnel, and you’d have crossed eyes, so I’ll try and make it short from here on out. When I was pregnant, I was going in for a shower, in the upstairs bathroom. We have 3 bathrooms, so this one is all my own, and no one ever touches it, but me.
It was in the early am, about 6 or so, and as I started to step into the tub, I noticed a line of dimes inside of the tub. It was a perfectly straight line, and all the dimes were heads up, about 6 or 7 of them. Every SINGLE one of them, had the year of my son’s birth on it. I REALLY thought someone was messing with me. I woke up my husband, questioned the kids, after they woke of course.
Then I remembered that I had used the bathroom to wash up at like 11 pm the night before, and then took an early shower. Nobody was even awake to have done it, and every body had denied it, when questioned as well. I don’t know why I felt I needed to question it, of course it was my son.
I had been praying for signs, and I got my wish. So, if you wish to receive such signs, from someone near and dear to you, whose departed…pray for signs. God and your loved one(s), will listen. You just have to be open to it. That is the key! Children are very open & receptive. That is why they (As I did several times), experience things, more then adults, who are more closed-minded do. It’s all about believing!
I honestly had chills up my spine, and then just yesterday, after 2 months without any signs, I went into the bath tub, and heard a clank. (What is with dimes? I know they say pennies from heaven, but I see more dimes. Too bad it’s not dollars, but I digress…only joking! I save each & every dime I find.)
This obvious kerplunk, was a dime hitting the tub, landing heads up, before my feet. Where did this dime come from? Out of nowhere it seemed, and it definitely fell from someplace, due to the sound that it made.
I sort of giggled, and said to myself, ‘Imagine it said 1995 on it?’……Then I picked it up, and what year do you think it displayed? You guessed it! I got a chill run through me, and then a peaceful sensation, and I smiled, finished my shower, and then tweeted about it.
A short while later, I was blow drying my hair, and I smelt smoke, and the hair dryer sound suddenly went lower, and lower, fading out, and I picked my head up, and the hair dryer, had smoke coming out of it, and I quickly shut it off, but feared pulling it from the wall right away, that I may get electrocuted. It was completely burnt out. ‘Dang it, I thought’.
Would a ghost (Which I hate that word, if we are talking about a loved one), do something like that? I do not know, but it was either that, or it just happened to break down on me at an odd moment, after a really nice sign, I just got. Who knows? I guess I’ll never know.
I can’t prove anything to anybody, and people can choose to be a believer, or to not be one, which I accept in somebody, either way, but for me, since I was but a child, I’m definitely a believer. So for those who have loved and lost, don’t feel like you have lost completely. There is more to this world, and after this world, then we will ever know, until we get there.
One thing I know, is that my worst fear in life, used to be dying…the fear of death started with me, at about 5 or 6 years of age. Odd right? Since losing my son, I no longer fear death. I’m not rushing towards it. I have much to do yet, but I know I’ll see him, and my lost loved ones again, and that makes the fear in me, disappear completely.
Sorry this is so long, to those who have made it this far. I know this isn’t really, in any way related to the theme of my site here, but when you blog, I believe it’s completely ok, to go off of your ‘Niche’ sometimes, and just speak of what you are feeling at the time. Any topic that may arise in your mind, that comes from your heart. Isn’t that what writing is all about?
I believe writing is therapy for the soul, and blogging is writing, so….don’t fear what you write, but it’s ok, to write about your fear, if that makes any sense. Even if some people think your Koo-Koo, SO WHAT? There is a little bit of crazy in all of us, but this..this, my friends, I truly DO believe in.
Thanks for reading, and have an awesome, and heavenly day!
The twins in their broken hearted onesies
Love NEVER Dies!