I got the idea to write about this topic, simply because it has become a topic in my own home. Don’t get me wrong, we still partake in each other’s nectar. I’m just talking about how things change with children. The frequency.
Before the twins, we had a scheduled sex night, and often a date night, every 1-2 weeks MAX, so sex was easy, especially on a date night, without interruption. We would be intimate 1x a week, sometimes more. That was NICE!
However, the more children you add to your family, the harder it is, to find people to help out, or simply able to, and the more money it will cost you to pay for help, which can alter the frequency of date nights, you may at one time, have been used to, like it has here.
We still try for that once a week (Sex I mean), but occasionally have slipped to every 2 weeks, recently, because on hub’s days off, we are both just flat out exhausted by the end of the day.
A problem? YES..because to some once every 2 weeks, sounds amazing, but that can slip further, then down to every 3 weeks, and then, who knows?? I refuse to let that happen, despite what being a mom of twins has done to my once steamy libido…WHY?
Sex Is Very Important In A Marriage & Is More Then Penetration!
Sex is a time where you can really BE with your partner, and you aren’t running in two different directions, completely missing one another. This is normal, because kids have us running in circles, and it’s easy to ‘Miss’ our partners, but there MUST be a time when you get together, and re-ignite the love light, if you will, for the sake of your stress levels (Oh yes, sex is better for that, then you may know), and to re-connect with your partner.
Remember the love, and the passion you share. It’s more important then you know, and it’s not all about the actual act! Us women, know what we love best of all. The cuddling, the holding, the kissing, the closeness.
It makes us feel good about ourselves, and releases happy hormones, and what mom doesn’t need plenty of those? Motherhood is hard, but remember, daddy-hood, is not a walk in the park either, so BE EMPATHETIC!
And even if it can’t be all that passionate, you got to try, every once in awhile to push yourself, and give it the old college try. Marriages that go sexless, which are 15-20% of all marriages, and the term ‘Sexless’ actually means, less then 1 time a month sex, so under approx. 10 x’s, per YEAR! That is pretty shocking, but marriages who hit this level, can suffer greatly.
1) It can create self esteem issues, and NOT just in women.
Men, believe it or not, have feelings of insecurity, just as we do, and sex often makes them feel vibrant, and powerful, and for a woman, it can make her feel strong, sexy, and invigorating.
I am not talking about lack of sex during pregnancy, as many men are weird that way, and many women, aren’t eager during those times, (We will let you off the hook there ladies), but afterwards, even if your self image is lacking, you got to make the effort.
He man may suffer, and feel it’s HIM, and you don’t want that. It can lead to impotence, and all types of personality side effects, depression, even anger, included. Express your feelings openly, ALWAYS. If it’s because you feel uncomfortable with your body, share that! He wants to know it’s not him, just as you’d want to know, it’s not you!
2) Dis-connection, and loss of communication.
Couples that have little to no sex, may be missing out on more then just the big ‘O’. Communication can suffer, you can become more disconnected, with your partner, and it can lead to marital issues, that go deeper, then the physical act of sex.
Despite the every day craziness of life with kids, you have to try, and make time for you two as a couple, if even only for 5-15 minutes every week or so.
Yup, lack of sex can cause one partner to feel resentment towards the other, due to the imbalance, or even the perceived imbalance, of responsibilities, in your home and love life. Yup, it can come out in more ways then one, and you may not even know where this is all coming from, because your partner has turned off their voice, which is BAD!
Last thing any new mom needs in her life, is a partner who resents her, and is harboring hidden anger. If it’s just a postpartum thing for you, please TELL HIM! Communication is the key.
Now granted, if you just had a baby, or twins (So x’s two), chances are you both will be exhausted for awhile, and if it’s mutual, and short-lived, then everything should be just fine, but long term lack of sex, and intimacy, that leads to disconnection, can be so detrimental to a marriage over time, that it can lead to divorce, so what I say ladies, is once in awhile, take one for the team, make your man, feel like a man, and like the Seether song says…’Fake it!’
Things you can do, to get your love life back on track, post baby(ies):
1) Get back to who you were before kids.
Get someone reliable to watch your children, while you and your spouse, enjoy a romantic night out. I recommend every 2-4 weeks, MAX 4! Right now we have been on a once a month schedule, but that will increase with time, and is ok, for that first year, after a baby, or twins, but try and make that a definite…AT LEAST, once a month date night, that has guaranteed sex, but you need to throw in a few quickies, somewhere in between dates, if you go that long.
If you have 1 or two kids, and can find help every week, like we used to, well then, GIDDY-UP! But try and make it a priority every 2 even 3-4 weeks, so that you can really talk with your husband, without any children around, zero censorship. You can have a glass or two of wine, and remember, the qualities that made you both fall in love, in the first place. That time, can be magical!
2) Remember the little things in between the sex acts.
They are VERY important as well. Make sure there are still daily hugs, kisses, holding of hands, and words of endearment…’I love you’, etc. Those things alone, help with the marriage, and with you and your partner’s, overall self esteem. Have you kissed your loved one today? I haven’t yet, but I will, after I finish this article!
3) Keep it real!
Let your partner know the reasons you haven’t been desiring sex, example, you feel insecure about your body, or you are afraid to, postpartum, you have been flat out exhausted, and if the shoe is on the other foot, encourage him to give you answers as well.
We have feelings, big time, and get hurt, just as their egos do, so all around communication, will let your partner know, it isn’t because ‘I’m undesirable’, and vise-versa, ‘Unmanly’…it’s because of A,B,C. Then you or your partner, can find a way of being more understanding, and there won’t be any built up resentment forming.
4) Don’t become roommates, instead of lovers.
You live in the same home. Don’t become roommates, simply sharing the duties, and sharing space. Get back to the dating and/or engagement days! Remember what excites one another. If he loves a red teddy on you, then go out and buy one.
Believe it nor not, but body changes from pregnancy, do not affect your man, as much as they do you. If you prefer to keep the lights dim, then DO IT, but don’t think because you aren’t feeling attractive, that he is seeing you, as you do, because he is NOT, though you may never believe him. A man in love, always will think his wife is hot and sexy!
A good example, to prove this to you ladies. We aren’t all married to the men that we met, are we? They may have lost some hair, gained a spare tire, lost those pecks, but do we NOT still find them insanely sexy? Are we turned off by their changes? I’m sure 99.9% of all women, will answer NO, and so would a man, towards his wife.
He and the world, will always see you, better then you see yourself. It’s just a fact. We are our own worst enemies, our toughest critic. We get insecure, want to shut the lights, wear a flannel nightie, and go to sleep, but you can’t.
IGNITE THE PASSION. RE-IGNITE THE FLAME!
Pull out a nighty from time to time, remember each other’s likes and dislikes, like say the kitchen counter, whipped cream, edible undies, and all kinds of naughty stuff, I refuse to talk about on my mommy blog, (Not that I’m at all shy), but I’m sure you all can use your imagination, and your own memories, as a reference.
It doesn’t always have to be brimming with passion, yes you will be dead tired, on some occasions, and that is ok to, but once in awhile, make sex really special, and just re-ignite the spark, that you had before the children, or the new baby.
5) Be Understanding (That Goes Both Ways)
This is my example. When I am pregnant my husband isn’t attracted to me at all. I took it personally, every time, and though, with the twins, I was much more aware of his feelings, I still allowed myself to feel a little unattractive, just not quite as much, because he voiced himself.
That was wrong of me, to feel badly AT ALL (Preggo hormones!) Some men are all over their pregnant wives, getting beaten away by them, but me, it was quite the opposite. The belly turned him off. The thought of baby x’s two, turned him off. I had to be understanding of that, and NOT resentful. It was hard, and hard to believe, it wasn’t really me, but now in looking back I see, that it wasn’t. I understand!
Then there have been times, I have initiated sex. (That is important, men love that, so do do it, and shock your spouse tonight!) Just be careful when you do it, because I have primed up, only to get shot down, because my hub is exhausted from work, & it was just a bad, BAD time, and you know, I maybe took it personally early on, but now I know, it’s NOT ME, it’s that he’s tired, he’s told me that. Again…UNDERSTAND!
(Again..communication, because if you don’t know, you are sure to feel terrible, guessing in your own mind, what it must be), and make yourself crazy. I now no longer bother trying, if he walks in, and looks like he’s ready to drop. We understand each other. If he sees me nearly counting sheep, he isn’t going to press me for the lovin, either. It’s a mutual respect thing, we got going.
Your spouse, in turn for your understanding, should be understanding towards you, as well. If you are dead tired, if you are sick, or just not ready postpartum. Let him know you want him, just not right then, because of A,B, & C. They take things personally as well, as I’ve discussed with you, throughout, so always explain yourself.
5) REMEMBER YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
We are all doomed to grow older, and our husbands and us, we all knew this was going to happen, when we said ‘I do’. There would be jiggling in places that never jiggled before. Sagging, where things never sagged before. Lines where there once was smooth skin, and extra pounds that may be added to our frames, as the years go on, but remember your vows, remember the love, and that attraction goes deeper, for where there is love, there is everything.
Don’t sell your partner short. This isn’t a one night stand, this is a LIFE PARTNER, who married YOU & you married HIM! Love lasts longer then youth & beauty!
Remember always, that insecurity is not a reason to avoid sex, but quite the opposite…HAVE SEX to feel more secure! It can actually boost your self esteem, and it definitely DOES help your marriage over all. Again, if you got to fake it from time to time..do it, but if you don’t have to, and can fully enjoy it, well, that is even better! Just don’t let it slip away, just because you are a mom. Always remember, you are wife to, and were wife 1st!
Once I drop my 5 year old off, maybe in the spirit of things……..
But in all honesty, sex may never be again, be like it is in the soap operas, where you can just dive in at any moment, because your children aren’t scripted to stay away, and they MIGHT come knocking at your door, at any time.
It does have to be worked out, and it does have to be more scheduled, then before you had any ‘Parental responsibilities’, but it still does have to BE, and remember it will get better & easier with time. You don’t have to lose passion, just because you have a family now. It just takes more work is all, but then again, who said marriage was easy?
(But it’s worth it, so do work at it, ok?)
Kiss, Hug, Laugh, Touch..And…
Here is a video I made, for Moms, to reclaim their womanhood, gain back their confidence, and keep their marriages, strong, and as vibrant as ever! (Even with children )
Until next time, from my livingroom to yours….This is Shelly, signing off!