Pregnancy Loss: Ways To Cope With The Physical & Emotional Pain
Pregnancy Loss: Ways To Cope With The Physical & Emotional Pain
My little ballerinas are 3 years, 5 months, 3 weeks, and 4 days old
Since I am literally going through this right now, and it’s on my mind any quiet moment of the day. That means whenever kids aren’t tugging on me and asking things of me. I honestly consider that to be a small break right now. If you to are suffering or have recently suffered a child loss inside of your womb, my heart completely goes out to you.
Don’t expect anybody to have the perfect words and answers, or say stuff that even makes sense sometimes because trying to relate to what you are going through on the inside is simply not gong to happen. There is a lot of love that goes into a pregnancy and a lot of heartbreak when that strong bond suddenly gets broken. Not many people fully get that. I think that’s a good thing though. Who wishes this pain on anyone?
Whether a chemical pregnancy, a later miscarriage, a twin loss, or a still birth it is going to take time to heal both physically and emotionally. The further along you were at the time of the loss, the more physical intervention may be needed. A D&C procedure, going through labor, etc. The internal pain is always great and can not be denied.
The 1st thing I want to say is…
1) You are not alone
You may feel alone because it isn’t talked about. You can’t read a pregnancy loss on people’s faces as you pass them by. But it’s much more common than you may believe. 1 in 6 pregnancies that are confirmed will later miscarry. Roughly 1/2 of very early pregnancies will end. Though this may bring you very little comfort, if it can bring you an ounce of it that is better than nothing at this harrowing time.
I know online being able to speak with other people whom I never knew were in my position before REALLY helps me deal and heal. God didn’t single out me and my baby. Pregnancy losses happen all of the time, we just don’t always hear about them. It’s a private issue, but the hurt are out there and you can find them when you want to. Which brings me to #2….
2) Find support from those women who HAVE been there
You may think it won’t help, but I promise you that it does. If you don’t have friends in real life that fit this bill just search online. I did. You will be completely shocked by how many, many, women have been there and are eager to help out. In helping others, I believe, it helps heal their own pain. It’s all a healing process. Don’t be afraid to lean on others, even in cyber space. You need to talk and to relate and to feel. Which brings me to #3.
1st, a great online message board for you.
Netmums miscarriage support
(I made sure it’s a current & active board for support.)
3) Don’t deny yourself your feelings
When you bottle up emotions, it’s literally like being inside of a 2 liter coke bottle that’s been all shook up. When the top finally gets opened up all of the pressure inside make the contents explode all over the place. It’s just a metaphor for a very real thing in life called denial. Or failure to accept the reality and to deal with it. Pushing things out of your mind and not facing them is very unhealthy. I have been there before. It seems easier at the time but eventually you explode. No one can stay strong forever, so never deny yourself your feelings and your right to grieve, cry, and mourn for the loss of your child.
If you can have somebody help out at home with the household chores and with the kids if you have others..please do so! My husband is taking wonderful care of me, even though I realize it was his baby to.
4) Managing your physical pain
Depending on the length of your pregnancy you may feel more or less physical pain than another women per se. Plus, tolerances to pain vary dramatically. Some will miscarry a couple of days after their periods are due (chemical pregnancies). I had this once before. They may only notice some extra cramping and a little bit more blood than usual.
Further along you may experience heavier cramping, bleeding with clots, and may or may not need a D&C procedure depending on if the miscarriage is completely expelled from your uterus or not. (I don’t like the term ‘abortion’ thrown into miscarriage conversation, so I tried wording it differently for sensitivity’s sake.) Some women may opt for the D&C instead of waiting for the inevitable to happen. Choose what YOU wish to do. Not anybody else. And some are even further along and may be forced to give birth to their unborn child via labor.
Whatever boat you fall into, if you are in pain there is ZERO reason to not take pain medication for it. You may be used to being pregnant and avoiding harmful substances for the sake of the baby, but when your baby no longer has a heartbeat it can not be harmed by pain medications. Don’t try to be the hero and suffer along without anything unless you truly do not need it.
And for your nerves you can take a tranquilizer to help keep yourself calm during the emotional aftermath, or after the D&C procedure, and during the days after while you are mending. Again, don’t try and be the hero. Take something if it is needed, and don’t be afraid to ask your doctor for it. Again, at this point you will not hurt your baby. He or she is your angel now, shining on you from above.
5) The right to remember
Some people choose to grieve and then forget as much as is humanly possible, and some choose to take it further. They may choose to keep a memory of their child, to know the baby’s sex, to have testing done, to save ashes for a locket, or even have a ceremony or funeral for their lost child. This depends on the individual or the couple and what helps them to heal. Not everybody will respond to this loss in the same way. With my son I still choose to remember. Actually to continue to celebrate his life even after death, though it took awhile to get myself to that place.
I release balloons on birthdays and anniversaries. I have a cake for him, even though he’s gone. I had a tree planted in his name so I can see life growing through its branches. I pray to him, write notes and poems to him, as writing I find to be a terrific outlet for managing stress and emotional pain. You do what you need to do. Don’t worry about anybody else. This is your child. There is no normal. No right or wrong. It’s up to you and your partner.
In closing, especially if you have other children it can be hard to lean on your spouse for support because there may seem to be very little time to get him to yourself, but try and make the time..someway, somehow. You have to talk things out as a couple. You may be the woman who carried that child, but he hurts as well. Don’t minimalize his pain, even though you may feel that yours is greater. I don’t think anybody feels more pain than a mother, but dads hurt to. They need support as well.
Lean on him, but also let him lean on you to!
The best support for dad is from the person that promised to love him and be there for him always…through both better and worse. Never shut out your partner. He may not always have the perfect words either, but he does feel. Don’t forget to keep him in the emotional loop. Cry with him, talk with him, lean on him. That is what a life’s partner is supposed to be. Just like that baby…another part of you.
Good luck. I wish us all the best.
(Fast healing to everybody reading this!)