Overcoming Mother’s Guilt After An Accident. Allie Hit Her Head. :(
Overcoming Mother’s Guilt After An Accident. Allie Hit Her Head. 🙁
We purdy girls are 15 months, 3 weeks, & 5 days old.
Hi everybody. I’m quite glum this morning. I had a hard time sleeping after an incident with Allie last night. Neither one of the twins has ever gotten hurt.
In fact a small scrape on each knee last week from the beach was hard enough for this poor ‘ol mom. I just don’t have the stomach for motherhood I guess.
You’d think I’ve never done this before. (Parented that is.) But honestly, I guess I’m what you’d call very, SUPER protective. At least up until a much safer age. My kids have stayed pretty ‘boom proof’, and I didn’t realize how lucky we’ve been until last night.
The twins have the run of the living room. The only pen they have is the gate that separates the living room and the kitchen. We joke that they don’t know how good they’ve got it. However, sometimes despite the space they are still looking to escape. The gate we have is the only one hubby could find on the market to extend across the length we need.
Let me just say it SUCKS! I haven’t got a huge amount of positive things to say about the thing except that it often does it’s job, and at times it also does not. The real escape artist is Annaliese. She somehow goes to the bottom of the gate and finds a way to pop it open from underneath. I still haven’t figured out how, so we still watch them.
Anyway, Annie was crying for a bottle, as she goes down to bed first. I went and grabbed one from the fridge asking Mikayla to please keep an eye on Allie for a minute. One little minute. That was too much to hope for.
Between the crying and the A/C I didn’t hear Allie pop the gate which is plastic and really doesn’t make much noise. I don’t know how she got through like that, but big sis didn’t stop her nor warn me. Nothing so unusual there in hindsight. I had mopped the floor maybe 20 minutes earlier. It was almost completely dry but Allie managed to slip somehow and I heard a ping and a cry.
I look over and Allie had fallen into the radiator. You know those old, almost concrete style ones. I almost had a stroke. I screamed and woke up my husband, grabbed her, and instantly saw a lump forming and a red line in between. Guessing that is the mark from one of the raised edges she had hit. The only damn radiator in the house that hubby didn’t put a cover on.
She only cried a couple of minutes, but I was a basket case. My stomach is still turning early this morning over it. At first I found myself blaming the gate, then Mikayla, then myself, then my husband because who has these freakin’ things in their home in 2011, why haven’t we upgraded? I hate this house.
Just anything there was to blame I was doing it. Eventually, like most moms will understand, in the end all of the blame lied entirely on my shoulders. In my head only, but that’s enough. Is it a mother’s lot in life to bare such guilt? I can’t even imagine had things been worse.
I kept her awake awhile and my husband tried calming me down. It was such a scary rare moment in time you never want to have happen, and after losing a child and now seeing another in pain it just killed me. Honestly, i lost my cookies twice literally, I got myself so upset. I couldn’t put up my post last night as planned. I was too distraught.
I watched her closely all night long. I haven’t slept but maybe 1.5- 2 hours combined. I’m petrified in the light of day to see what her forehead now looks like. I pray it isn’t as bad as my brain is imagining, but it showed up so quickly. I don’t know.
Every time we tried putting ice on it she would cry. Take it away she was her laughing, bubbly self. I was really close to taking her to the hospital, but I looked things up online and it seems head bumps are very common at this age. My husband said not to overreact, but he was going to work shortly and I’d be alone. Then what?
This is one of the times I feel like maybe I can’t hack it as a twin mom. Maybe I failed Allie, and I’m failing at keeping two safe. I mean we have for almost 16 months, but this just left me feeling broken inside, and like how am I going to keep them both safe for life if I failed so badly yesterday? Can you imagine had it been Winter and that heater was piping hot? Perish the thought. I demanded a cover this week!
I feel horrible enough over her eczema that I have zero control over, now this! I talked to some people last night who calmed me and told me this happens. Hearing it from my husband’s mouth almost means nothing. He’s one who always soften things up, even fibs for my benefit, which I love and hate about him at the same time.
Did your baby or toddler ever have an accident and you just felt so sick inside, and so full of guilt even if you know ‘things happen’? I don’t want to think about anything else ever happening, but my husband said that is totally unrealistic and ‘It will.’ Guess I know, I just don’t want to think about it.
Motherhood is one tough job. The toughest there is. Now I’m afraid to go an get her that haircut today because of what the lady might think. Like why does she have a bruise and a lump there? Heck I saw a 12 month old with his leg in a cast not long ago, but for some reason, I guess at heart, I do worry about what other’s think, even when I say I don’t. I know I shouldn’t.
Ok in a little bit my real post planned for yesterday will be up. Thanks for allowing my vent. It always helps to write. 😛 If you have any stories to share I’m sure it’d help me to hear them.
‘No job is tougher than being a mother.’ – Mama P.