My Little Girl Got Hurt At McDonald’s Playground. I’m Beside Myself. Mother’s Guilt Is The Worst! Support Needed!

 

My Little Girl Got Hurt At McDonald’s Playground.  I’m Beside Myself.  Mother’s Guilt Is The Worst!  Support Needed! 

8-26-2011

 

At the end of the day my brave child said,

‘Take a pic of this for Twinpossible.’ 

I’m sorry today’s post isn’t cheerier.  Just glad I didn’t write it last night in the heat of it all.  We went over to a McDonalds to take part in a raffle for prizes.   We still had plenty of time so the girls were playing. 

 

My husband went off and left us to get some supplies for the possible upcoming hurricane.  While he was gone this incident happened. 

 

One of the twins had entered inside one of the tubes in the toddler area. I was nervous because they are still small, but you really can’t hold them back anymore.  I often have to just stay on guard and rush in whenever needed. 

 

The other baby I was fighting to keep out of the tubes while trying to retrieve Allie as big kids were up inside where they should NOT have been allowed.  When I saw that, I had to end up rushing inside myself and come down the slide with her quickly.  She surely would have fallen and/or got trampled and was starting to cry in fear.

 

Now I know a 6 year old you should be able to sit down and watch at that point in age in such a place.  You don’t have to be right up their rear ends anymore, though admittedly I very usually am unless she’s with her friends and I’m at a table nearby keeping an eye out.  Because of what was going on with Allie I didn’t see that my other girl had gotten hurt.  Really hurt. 

 

She came to me with tears in her eyes going, ‘I wanna go home.’  She used to be so tough but now she cries all the time, so I thought she was just trying to leave because someone said something mean to her, or she no longer wanted to be there because she wasn’t attempting to make any friends.  I thought she was only whining to go home.

 

Then she gave me the news that her hand hurt.  She said she fell when she was running.  I was thanking God that at least they had rubberized bottoms underneath the area.  I kissed it, said ‘All better’, and sent her off to play again.  I had no idea it was anything more. How could I? 

 

 She came back a minute later crying.  And this is what I feel horrible for.  I said, ‘Mikayla you got to stop crying all the time because in 1st grade kids are not going to be so nice.  You are too emotional now.  Why are you still crying honey?’  ‘I wanna go home.’  I couldn’t go home because my husband had left us there while going shopping for Hurricane Irene.

 

I still didn’t know what actually transpired.  Then she put out her arm again.  At this time I had to chase Annie into he tubes one more time and things had gotten extremely chaotic.  The twins never started doing this till now, but are still only 20 lbs each of baby so can easily get hurt.  They shouldn’t let these big 16 year olds play on the equipment with these tiny ones.  It’s a recipe for disaster.

 

I honestly am so angry at myself that I got upset with her for complaining, because she told me she didn’t fall bad, and she did say she didn’t want to make friends, so I thought she was simply being difficult and I had looked at her arm and hand.  It looked perfectly normal.

 

Then finally the truth came out.  She confessed to me that she hadn’t fallen as she said, but had climbed up something she was not supposed to climb in the kiddie area, because other bigger kids had done it.  She apparently slipped down and fell to the ground, landing on her wrist bent back, sitting on it. 

 

That thing she climbed is higher then my head height, and I am 5’6” tall.  That is quite a fall and I had absolutely no idea and had been upset with her.  How horribly guilty did I feel in that minute, in that hour, for the rest of the day, right now even?  VERY!

 

We got some ice from the McDonald’s guy in front.  I know I have had my share of far more horrible falls without any incident and have never broken a bone in my life, and by the looks of her she just twisted it a bit and was going to be fine.  However, when the hubby came of course we still wanted to be safe then sorry and rushed out of there.

 

The manager could not have cared less.  Just threw a bag of ice at her.  I should go and chew them out today!

 

No this wasn’t him!

 

Anyways, we realized that at a hospital we would probably still be there this morning, so we went to her regular pediatrician, who checked it, gave her Motrin, and sent us to yet another place for x rays, which she was frightened about but I assured her they do not hurt.  Mom has had many.  She has never been hurt in her life more then a scraped knee, so this was just a terrible experience for me and for her.  Everything was scaring her.

 

They took the x rays and sent us to wait.  During this time she was not crying any longer and even asked me if we could go back to McDonalds to see the raffle and join in the party.  I said, ‘I don’t know Mik.  Let’s see what happens.’  By the sounds of her you would think she was fine. 

 

When she said to me ‘Mom it feels better now’ and moved it in front of me, I knew she was going to be alright.  The worst out of it was going to be a bill for some x rays and a good scare with a lesson learned.  We don’t have the money right now, but WAY better then anything being wrong, right? 

 

At this point my husband had rushed the twins home as they were screaming and making things difficult in case we needed to go to yet a 3rd doctor, and so he had called his brother and went to drop them off.  During this 30 minutes of wait she seemed completely better.  I was thanking God in relief, and then the phone rang at the radiologist’s office.  It was the expected call from he Pediatrician we had left only an hour earlier.

 

‘It’s broken.’  My heart sunk deeper then the Titanic ever did.  I honestly didn’t know what to say as I looked down at my smiling child looking up at me.  ‘How can that be?’  I said to her.  ‘She’s smiling, acting perfectly normal, and even wants to go back to McDonalds now.’  She said, ‘It must be the Motrin.’  I was STUNNED!  What’s in this Motrin?

 

At any rate, I had been convinced it was not going to be the ‘B’ word as me and hub were calling it, and she knew what we were doing in translation and said, ‘It’s alright mom isn’t it?  I don’t need a cast, right?’  I wanted to cry but stayed strong.  I had to explain it to her in a non scary way because I have been hit by cars and thrown off horses but never had such a predicament, so I just didn’t know what to say. 

 

The doctor explained we needed to go to a PM care center and get it splinted.  Doctor #3 of the evening.  As soon as hubby pulled back up we were gone like lightning to the center about 20 miles away if that.

 

When you have had a child who was ill and passed on.  One you had to watch suffer and feel so helpless over.  Words can’t begin to describe what it’s like to feel that utterly helpless feeling again.  She was scared and I had to hide my fear and emotions, just like I had to be strong always for him, however, inside my heart was always broken in two.  Worst feeling in all of the world. 

 

 Then of course comes the mother’s guilt.  Nothing in this world that’s more powerful then that.  If you were 10 states away at the time you still find a way to blame yourself when something happens to your child.  It’s just inescapable.

 

During the car ride over I had gone from blaming my husband for leaving us to go get supplies, then I was blaming the damn hurricane because he wouldn’t have been gone for them if it weren’t for the hurricane.  I’m still kind of stuck on this one.  Then I was blaming him and myself because I really wanted to go to the museum and not Mc Donalds anyhow.  If we had gone elsewhere she would be fine right now. 

 

 He didn’t want to go there so I blamed him, then myself for not thinking of something else that maybe would have been better for him.  I just went through it.  I couldn’t really blame the baby for climbing in the tube, because she’s 17 months old, so she was off the hook.  But the rest of the world was to blame.

 

I just wanted my baby to be fine and now she was getting a splint on her hand and arm.  While watching them do it to her I was praying they could just take my arm instead.  I wouldn’t mind.  Now of course it had to be her right hand and not her left.  You guessed it..she’s a righty.   She looked up at me as they applied the last part of the bandage and said, ‘Mom, we can still go to White Post Farms tomorrow, right?’  My heart sunk. 

 

 I never had a broken bone so I don’t know what the rules are.  As it was I felt sad that Summer was almost over and we were going to have to squeeze in a lot of pool time, amusement parks, and fun times before she went back shortly.  With such little time left today was supposed to be a day of bouncey houses and water slide fun, and well now it’s become a day where we have to go to an Orthopedist and find out what the next step is. 

 

She likely will be put into a real cast and is very afraid of that happening, so I’m praying the fracture isn’t bad enough to need more then the splint she has on right now, and she’ll be able to resume some activity so the rest of her Summer isn’t a wash.  She’s concerned about that.  I just want her to be fine again and wish yesterday never happened.

 

We got in the car one final time.   We needed to stop for Motrin and I could feel myself getting very upset inside.  Like I said before, normally I can hold things in extremely well, but not even a fraction of as close as I used to any longer.  I’m breaking down with age it seems.  I felt it coming on and I couldn’t stop it.  I felt nauseous, I started shaking, and could feel water works about to come on and I said, ‘Hub bring me home quick.’ 

 

The very last thing I wanted was for her to see me upset when I had been a rock the whole way, or so it had appeared.  I needed to get home and run to a bathroom fast but he had pulled into the CVS parking lot, so there was no hope of making it there in time.

 

I fought and I fought, and a little voice behind me goes, ‘What’s wrong mommy?’  I hadn’t cried yet but she heard the change in my breath.  ‘Nothing sweetie.  How do you feel?’  My voice was crackling.  ‘Why are you crying mom.  Your voice sounds different.’  Then it happened.  What I was trying to hide most. 

 

I broke down completely.  I couldn’t stop it.  She ended up consoling me of all things.  I told her it’s the worst thing in the world for a mom to see her child suffer and hurt and the helpless feeling involved, and how I wish we never went there today.’  All  I ever wanted was to keep her safe, and wanted her to enjoy the rest of her Summer.  Not go through all of this.  I said that to, in a round about way. 

 

She just kept saying, ‘Mom I’ll be alright.  It’s not your fault.  I shouldn’t have climbed up there.  My Summer won’t be ruined.  At least I can still go swimming and stuff’  then I bawled again, because I don’t know if that is allowed,  but see she doesn’t think much is going to change.  I just want to go back in time!

 

I pray that is the kind of good news we get today, but I’m absolutely dreading this appointment in a few hours.  If I hear anything negative or she does, she’s going to get upset and since I’m already a loose cannon I’ll just be bawling again.

 

I feel so hideously guilty inside. I know what the doctors said is true, we did have a nice run for her to make it to 6 years old without any injury of any kind and no real bad illness..nothing.  Most people I know don’t get that lucky, but it’s still my child.  I protected my sons.  They never broke a bone in their lives, and my son is big into sports so I always fear for him.  I prided myself on my perfect record and now it’s blemished, and my baby girl is paying the price.

 

I know it’s not like she was 2 or 3 and needed my eyes peeled with me holding her hand all the while.  I always do fight to do my best in that area and always will because it’s a scary world, but this was never expected.  I know things happen, but they’ve never happened here, and that is all I harp on.  Also of course the ‘What ifs’ that drive you batty.

 

 If I hadn’t had both babies fighting to do something they aren’t ready for, or if the big kids that are not supposed to be in there had been kicked out like one lady had complained about, then none of this would have happened.  But now I blame me, and that is it.  Like I said, a mother’s guilt is the absolute worst because it’s forever.

 

I know it’s a broken wrist and thank God it wasn’t her head, her spine, a full broken arm or leg, but when it’s your child…it doesn’t matter.  Everything is huge.  Just please pray for some good news today, a non-upsetting appointment for my daughter and myself, and a miracle for God.  I do believe in them.  Now we have to gear up for a potential hurricane coming straight for us.  UGH! 

 

 I’m petrified of regular storms, so if the brunt hits I said, ‘Hon you had better book a hotel room just in case.  I don’t want to stay in this old house with babies.  No way.’  We don’t have the money at all.  We have no savings thanks to hub’s ex and a bad investment he made a couple of years back, so I hope it just avoids Long Island, New York somehow.  I’m nervous though, I won’t lie.

 

My son is away at his dads for another week and it’s supposed to be worse over by where he’s at.  My ex lives right by the ocean, so I already had SO much on my mind, I feel I might just lose it.  I have to worry for him, her…I’m just a worrying maniac.  A bundle of nerves!

 

On another note,  I have no clue how much we’ll be charged for the x rays and doctor visits, and whatever the the Orthopedist does today.  I have actually not gone for tests myself because I know hub can’t afford it right now because his new insurance plan this year has a $3,000 deductible.  Which means he pays until that $3k is met and then 20%.  We don’t have $300 to our name right now, so another ‘put us further in debt’ situation. 

 

Heck, I still owe more money then you can imagine for my son’s care for the years he was ill, and he’s gone 6 years now.  When it boils down to it though..nothing, money, possessions, NOTHING comes close to the importance of our children and them staying safe.  NOTHING!  It can always be worse, but man..when is God going to finally cut me a break?  Too many hardships.  Too much pain!

 

In all honesty, the way I broke down late last night and then vomited over this incident.  I was shaking like a leaf and just beside myself…I’m wondering if I am even cut out to be a mother.  Now I have two more babies to raise and keep in one piece.  That makes me scared just to think about.  It’s such a huge and important job. 

 

My perfect track record is now sadly broken.  Now I just have to try and forgive myself, and pray today goes well.  Better then I expect it to.   I don’t want to hear cast for 4-6 or 8 weeks or I’ll die for her.  If you made it this far, you are an angel I deeply appreciate, and I love ya!  I’ll update on Twitter and Facebook later on.  Maybe also in a comment below to, if I get a chance.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

PS-  Oh, she wants to start indoor swim lessons, gymnastics, and dance in September.  Is there anything she’ll be able to do?  I don’t want to crush all of her desires now with this.  That will devastate her.  I have no clue how long this takes to heal.  Guess I’ll have more answers today.  I’d say gymnastics is out for right now, but the others?  This is just SO terrible.  I’m so sad.

 

‘Being a mother is like having your heart living outside of your body.   It’s sure to get trampled, bruised, and sometimes broken along the way.   However, the endless love we receive from our offspring makes all of the hurt worthwhile and heals us quickly.’ – Mama P.

 

Heartbroken mama,