Marriage: The Taboo Behind NOT Getting Married. Selfish Or Smart?

 

 

 

Marriage: The Taboo Behind NOT Getting Married. Selfish Or Smart?

2-15-2012

The twinkies are 23 months & 1.75 weeks old. OH MY 2 IS COMING FAST!

 

 

I woke up this morning and the topic I had planned in my mind for today took a back seat to this until tomorrow. Marriage..family..should anybody be pressured by society into doing these things? Is it selfish of a person to NOT get married? Maybe never have kids?

 

One blogger, Melanie Curtain, who happens to feel this way and is entitled to in my opinion, is receiving some backlash. Tracy Mcmillan a writer and self proclaimed three time marriage failure, says that Melanie and ALL women who choose to be single are: selfish, angry, shallow, slutty.

 

Ok, this isn’t what Melanie thinks of herself for the record, it’s what a lady named Tracy thinks of her and of others ‘like her’. Melanie comes back stating her I believe very smart and mature reasons why she chooses to be alone right now. You can read this article here and then read the crap that started it all here, by Tracy.

 

 It’s vicious, mean, and out of line in this blogger’s opinion to call any woman bitches, sluts, etc. for not being married. 1st off..I don’t believe not getting married nor not having children is selfish. I honestly think that doing so for the wrong reasons and not being a good wife, husband, or parent to your kids, and simply doing it all because you just feel like it at the time, is by far a more selfish thing.

 

 I think it takes a lot of guts to admit that you are happy and satisfied with life on your own, and if you haven’t met the right person..big deal. We were all there at one point in our lives. You don’t need a partner to complete who you are. You should be complete before you enter into any relationship, I believe.

 

This is great when it’s right and desired.

 

I’m one who definitely does NOT believe in settling. How is that selfish? I call it smart. I think all women should believe how special and amazing they are and never settle for less then they deserve. (Mind you this does not mean settling for a man who has millions and marrying for money, it means someone who treats you like the amazing woman that you are and fully appreciates you.)

 

There is so much divorce and unhappiness in the world. If more people thought things through before they jumped into marriage we’d have a lot more happiness in the world, and a lot less divorce,  though granted happiness in love is never guaranteed. People can surprise you sometimes.  I’m a firm believer (now anyway..who knew beforehand) in love, and also in self preservation. You can have it both ways.

 

I grew up in an unhappy, and eventually broken home that should have been broken over a decade sooner and was kept together for all the wrong reasons. Why did my parents decide to have kids? Quote un quote, ‘It was the thing to do back then.’ Ok so any suffering and pain I have ever endured in this life could have all been prevented by the use of one little condom? How sad for me.

 

It doesn’t make me happy to know my parents married for the wrong reasons, were miserable together for over 20 years, have been far happier apart which I love seeing now, and had us kids who have had REALLY hard, hard lives because it was the thing they felt they had to do back then. We really did suffer for it. My 1st child was a product of rape, but the best thing that ever happened to me. All my kids thereafter were planned and deeply wanted and tried for. I have no regrets, but kids are not for everybody.

 

I don’t believe marriage and kids should ever be ‘the thing to do’ unless you seriously want it to be. I have an uncle and aunt who have ‘dated’ for over 30 years, are very committed to one another, and are very happy without a piece of paper declaring their love. I happened to have wanted that experience one time in life AFTER I had met my husband and had been with him for some time first, and made sure I was damn certain he was the one for me, but I did NOT want those things until I had been with my husband quite awhile.

 

I was in self preservation mode myself, and didn’t even think I’d ever be in a serious relationship ever again after not only seeing my own parents marriage fail so miserably which was enough, but also being in very unhappy, unhealthy relationships in which trust was always broken along with my heart.

 

 

I was cheated on, even physically abused and put down to the point of not wanting to live, and not believing I was worth a sh&t (pardon my French.) Was it selfish of me to be certain that I needed to be alone to get my head put back on straight? If I never married believe you me, nobody I know would have ever blamed me.

 

Love, as well I know, can not be predicted. I said no way did I think I’d fall hard enough and trust enough to ever get married, but not only did I find that love is a magical and very mystical thing that I do now believe in, but I actually was the one to propose to my husband. YUPPER! This is not something I reveal to many people. I’m not embarrassed by it, but I’m still myself just so surprised by it. It also just doesn’t really come up in conversation.

 

That part of this blogger’s post made me laugh as she mentions this at the end that if she did meet Mr. Right and he was for sure THE ONE, she might be the one to propose herself much like I did. I turned into a smart enough person to envelope her protective and I believe smart behavior, and then a few years down the road there I was proposing myself. Quite ironic, hey?

 

The funniest part is that I didn’t even find my husband a tiny bit attractive when we met. He was nearly 14 years my senior and I just thought this ‘nice guy’ (TOO nice which I wasn’t used to), would always be a guy to remain on my friend’s list. I was very set in that, and how that flipped must have been absolute divine intervention. I never saw it coming.

 

I knew how deeply in love he was, and that he wasn’t proposing because he wanted to have enough money to buy a ring that he believed I deserved and was worthy of. Quite frankly..I didn’t care about such things. I bought a ring for him and the rest is ancient history. It is a pretty amusing story though. I’m still boggled by the chain of events myself.

 

 

 

 I do not find it selfish for any woman nor man for that matter, let’s not be sexist here, to:

 

1. Want to be alone and if it happens it happens.

Not be out there searching for love, which we all know true love is very hard to find. Sometimes not searching is when you actually find it. I am proof of that.

 

2. Care enough about themselves to not settle.

NEVER, EVER SETTLE FOLKS! Self love & respect does NOT equal selfishness. Not in my book.

 

3. Thinking about their future, their partner’s future, and their children’s future in advance before it ever comes to be.

Too many people do not think at all and just do, then think later. If it’s happened to you do not feel bad. Mistakes are made by everybody. No one is immune to them. I’m sure anybody reading this would at least never change the children aspect of their previous relationships, but maybe the guy or girl.

 

4. Wants to not conform to the ways of the world.

The stigma of you got to get married to have purpose in life, has got to go!

 

5. Enjoys being single.

 Why can’t someone enjoy being single? We all were at one time or another. I’d much rather be alone then in a bad relationship dragging me down. I feel I wasted way too many years of my life in a bad way, and that is why I tell my husband all the time, I’d never put up with all I have in the past. You’d be LONG, LONG GONE. I’d rather raise our children apart then be miserable together. He’s never disappointed.. (knock on wood.)

 

6. Wants to be sure before marriage.

Anybody can get married, but it’s harder to stay married. If that means being sure, then I say take your time. As long as both partners are on the same page about the willingness to wait, otherwise this can create troubles, why not wait and be certain rather then go through 1, 2, or 10 divorces?

 

My husband was pressured into marriage by his ex and succumb though the relationship was never wonderful to start with. He thought having children would help things out. THANK GOD the witch never got pregnant! She pretended to want to, and saw a doctor and everything, but was slipping birth control pills in behind his back, and then slipping something far worse shortly thereafter, IF you know what I mean. So I am his second wife, but he is my first husband.

 

 I myself called off two previous engagements. I always say I might have been low enough to stay in a bad relationship for far too long, but never stupid enough to marry into it. Marriage just felt like an icky word after all I had seen of it growing up. It didn’t seem like a glamorous or even happy thing to do. I know any marriages before my husband would have been doomed to fail. I felt it.

 

If it’s true that this Tracy McMillan has been divorced several times, she should think before she speaks. Life isn’t a rat race to see how many ex-husbands you can rack up. It’s again easy to get married and say ‘I do’, but much harder to stay in a marriage and keep it eternally alive and working.

 

I applaud Melanie Curtain. But from past experience can also say, never count yourself out. Read my story above and know that it can in fact turn around to such a degree as maybe your final statement in this article might end up reigning true. You never can tell.

 

Just my 2 cents.