How It All Began…Painfully Trying To Conceive: A Look Back To Over 2 Years Ago & Now!

 

 

How It All Began…Painfully Trying To Conceive: A Look Back To Over 2 Years Ago & Now! 

 

 

Month after month turned year after year I waited not so patiently to see that second line finally show up for me. People all around me wondering when me and my husband would have another baby, but it wasn’t quite as simple as they made it sound. While others fell pregnant, and seemingly even time and again..we were not.

 

 I cried every month when my period would show when I thought that maybe this time one of the stupid evaporation lines on my tests would somehow turn out to be real, but they never were. Few knew about our TTC (trying to conceive journey) this time around. Only a few close friends. I didn’t want anybody’s pity. To some we just said, ”If it happens it happens.” I shed my thoughts & fears online where I felt safer.

 

There was a 9 and 1/2 year gap between my son and daughter. I felt like they were like only children after the loss of my first born son. They had nothing in common. They both led seemingly separate lives. He had his friends and his sports, and she only had me really. Certainly, there was a bond and connection between them, but still I wanted someone close in age for her, and a baby for me to.

 

 In my heart I was hoping for a sister for her like I had always dreamed of for myself. But as the time started passing people started saying, ‘If you don’t have one soon, it’s too big of an age gap. They won’t be close. More then 3, 3.5 years TOPS or it’s like having two only children.’

 

I was thinking, ‘Well, it’s easy to say hurry it along, not so easy to do’, and the comments made me pain so badly inside. I knew I wanted them close in age, but as time passed on my spirit grew weak, and my hope grew dim. My sons were very close and under a year and a half apart. When that 3 year mark so many had talked about came and went I felt further disheartened.

 

‘I want a baby sister mom. I’ll take another brother though if I have to.’ I would hear that time and again. That was hard, as I continued to see an ever growing abundance of pregnant women all around me. There were times I felt like collapsing to the floor when too many would pass me by in one outing. Seemed like too much to take. It almost stole my breath away from me.

 

 

Even on the message boards I frequented. I watched those positive pregnancy tests roll in by the day and I felt happy for them, especially the ones with empty arms, but jealous admittedly. I felt more and more pity for myself with every single one of the BFPs (Big Fat Positives). Would it ever be for me? Would I ever get to feel that joy for myself, ever again?

 

When that sticky July day came and I saw a second line after 45 long months.. I fell to my knees. It was a victory I didn’t see coming. I hadn’t had much hope for that month. Going on 4 years I didn’t have much hope left in me any longer PERIOD. But still.. there it was. A beautiful blue line staring back at me.

 

Of course, any trained ttc-er knows to back up a blue line tests with a pink one. Those nasty evaporation lines can be awful tricky on those suckers. 1/2 a day later it was further confirmed. My heart was soaring. I finally did it! WE did it! It wasn’t the small age gap I wanted so badly, but it was happening and I was on cloud nine. 

 

 

 

The news. Say what? Say what? Twins?

My second line came early. 5 days before my period. Some joked around saying, ”Wow maybe it’ll be twins.” I never even entertained that thought. That wasn’t possible. I didn’t have two mature eggs to be fertilized, so unless the unlikely identical twin split thing happened, it was only 1. (HA HA.)

 

There was no intuition. Nothing that internally ever made me think it could be two over one. No extra symptoms to note, no motherly feelings. I was in my own la la land of happiness to just be pregnant. Two was never on my mind, until that fateful day came that would change all of our lives forever.

 

They didn’t like using the word ‘twins’. There was obviously two little bubble like sacs up on the screen, but so many things can happen that early. I was warned not to tell people about it just yet. Tell people? Was I supposed to be excited? Looking back I should have been, but I was anything but back then.

 

 I couldn’t even grasp what I saw on the screen for myself, and my husband? I don’t think he said a word the rest of that day. In an instant my dream for a sibling for my 4 year old daughter..a playmate, a best friend, seemed crushed. The thrill of the positive pregnancy test and terrific news seemed heavily soured. Had we no other children it may have been different, or at different ages, different financial picture.

 

This was not in the plans. This was not what I even wanted. It felt completely surreal. I found the world around me spinning out of control. Sad to say that my dream come true turned into a bit of a nightmare as I even tried to wrap my brain around the thought of having twins. That was not what was in our budget, it wasn’t what we planned on for our family.

 

 

 It wasn’t the dream pregnancy and future birth experience (most likely) that I had imagined for the previous 45 months. ‘Oh God’ I thought. ‘What did I do to my daughter? I just screwed up everything.’ I did her a complete disservice it felt. I even cried a little over it. A baby was my dream. There was no plural in that. There was no double stroller involved, no matching outfits, no high risk pregnancy.

 

Every preggo walking around me only had one in their bellies, why did I have to be the one carrying two? How would I even be able to accomplish such a task inside of my body? How could we make it work when they were outside of my body? It didn’t seem possible. The months passed and the news didn’t become much easier to swallow. I basically had twin shock most of the way through. My husband wasn’t really helping in that arena.

 

I didn’t foresee myself being equipped for such a ‘mighty’ seeming job. I wasn’t the most organized person, the most patient person on the planet, and I knew I needed my sleep. How could I hack it? How would my children handle it, my marriage handle it? Fears were all that burdened my mind.

 

I tried shopping to ease things, working on the double nursery, but it still seemed so surreal still, and so not happening to me. People weren’t even kind. They saw me pregnant and smiled, but when I said there were two.. a smile almost seemed to turn into a condolence, and that certainly couldn’t be good news, could it be? My God what did we do?

 

 

Then that fateful March day sprung forward. At only 3 weeks early, 37 weeks on the nose gestation with the fear of the unknown as strong as ever, princess Alessandra and her soon to arrive little sister Annaliese made their amazing debut. The birth was surprisingly fast and uncomplicated. My deep fears that spanned over the past 8+ months were finally submerged and instantly dissolved when I held those tiny bundles in my arms for the very first time.

 

It was miraculous. It never felt completely right..not ever, until that moment in time. Though it took a little adjustment, just like any new being in a family takes, those twins fit into our family like a key fits into a lock. All of those months of fear and even some sadness, all for nothing.

 

 

Moral of the story: Let the twin shock wear off fast and enjoy the pregnancy. I promise you everything will fall into place. It always does. No reason to fear… a happy ending is possible for you as well. I wish I could go back. I never would have spent my pregnancy feeling like I did .

 

Thanks for reading. If you ever need to talk about twin shock, TTC, pregnancy, fears..I’m here:

contact@twinpossible.com

 

This is a song I played repeatedly:

Britney Spears: Someday I will Understand.

 

Nothing seems to be the way that it used to.

 Everything seems shallow, God give me truth..

In me.

 

  And tell me somebody is watching over me.

 And that is all I’m praying is that

Someday, I will understand God’s whole plan And what he’s done to me.

 

 Oh but maybe,

 Someday I will breathe.

 And I’ll finally see… I’ll see it all in my baby(ies.)

 

And now I DO SEE!  

 

‘Life just wouldn’t be complete with the other half missing.’ – Mama P.