How Becoming A Mother Changed My Life! How About You?

 

How Becoming A Mother Changed My Life!  How About You?

(Long but passionate.)

1-29-2011

 

 

Abused woman.  A new life.

My plans for my future when growing up, and the plans that my family had for me, certainly didn’t include becoming a teenage mother.  I was on the late end of the spectrum, newly 19 when I gave birth to my beautiful son, and 18 when he was conceived. 

 

It was the hardest thing I had ever faced before.  Not having him, though that is quite a story in and of itself, but finding out I was pregnant with him, and the struggles I would face before the joy.

 

I was confronted with the impossible decision of keeping my baby, giving him or her up for adoption, or going along with my family and having an abortion, simply moving on with my life, and moving  back away to college, where maybe one day I’d make my parents proud. 

 

I’m so glad I found the strength inside of myself, despite all circumstances surrounding me, to say NO to abortion.  I found myself desperately wanting to keep, and to raise my baby.  At my 8 week ultrasound I was completely sold.  The photo I still have framed on the wall.

 

I was cut off financially and emotionally by my parents.  I lost my money and shelter.  My friends they simply weren’t my friends anymore.  I didn’t know why, but everybody scattered.  It was the loneliest place of my life, but yet I had this child inside of me, and somehow that was enough. 

 

 I had to endure being homeless for some time, out in the cold, and dealt with many difficult situations.  Some that would make your head spin, but I got through them.  At the same time I had to deal with an extremely abusive boyfriend, whom if I had been pregnant by any schmo off the street it would have been better, which made the situation all the more worse.  Still God was standing by my side, even if I couldn’t see him there at the time. 

 

 Nobody knew that I was attempting to part ways with my abusive ex prior to this pregnancy.  I had wanted to for some time, and that the conception was NOT consensual.   I haven’t wanted to use the ‘R’ word, nor even considered it to be that until I was maybe 28 years old, but I was raped.  Date raped, but it’s still rape. 

 

I did not want to have sex with him.  I was done with him.  That didn’t change a thing though.  I was in love with this baby, and as more time passed on, I was eternally hooked, before he was even born.  That small little fetus, my ‘bean’, was my reason to live.  My drive.  My fight.

 

My ex had tried to turn himself around at this time, and was seemingly excited.  He wasn’t even supposed to know in all honesty.  My plan was to run, but my own mother told him about the pregnancy.  He found me, and pleaded for me to make us a family.  I was so lost and so confused.

 

He definitely hurt me less when I was pregnant, but now when I think about that statement I just made, it makes me ill.  The statement ‘hurt me less’ is simply unacceptable.  For some reason I just envisioned that he was going to become perfect once he had a child, quit drugs, and turn himself completely around.  Though he always did deny the drugs thing, I found out differently.

 

Looking back, you could clearly see it in his personality and his appearance, but he was a pathological liar and I guess I wanted to believe him at the time.  I was the ‘good girl’, and quite naive, so it was hard for me to read the signs myself, at that point in time.  Looking back there is just no question..he was an obvious addict and loser.  Ah, what we know now huh?

 

I had my child and was elated.  My parents didn’t come to see their grand child, but at this time I had gotten control of some money I had in my name from an accident, that my parents were withholding from me, and was able to live in a nice place, get into a MUCH better living situation, have nice baby things, and became a very mature 19 year old, so in love with motherhood. 

 

I do not condone teen pregnancy AT ALL.  I would never abandon my own child if it happened to her or to him.  (You know what I mean there), but it’s not something any young girl, should strive to be.  A teenage mom.  I will tell you for me however, God had a plan, that I now can clearly see.  Getting pregnant too soon, was a life altering event that I never expected, but turned my world around for the better.  (Note:  I am a drastic example though.)

 

In my heart of hearts I truly thought that giving my child a father was such an important gift that he needed, but now I see differently.  If somebody is toxic, damaging, and potentially harmful, the child or children involved are for sure better off being with the parent who can care for them most and love them the right way.

 

One day he pushed me down hard to the floor while I was holding our very young child in the car seat carrier, and as much as he seemed to love that child, he really did seem to, I just saw the old him in that moment.  The him he could never escape, re-emerging, and I had to break free.  I had to find the strength to get out of a situation I couldn’t wriggle my way out of for nearly 6 long years. 

 

There was one thing though.  Now I had this eternal bond with him through DNA, so what could make it any harder? I was scared out of my mind.  I knew how dangerous he was, and what he did in the past when I tried to leave him, and I was never so frightened.  But it wasn’t just me any longer.  I had to do it for my child now, even if my own self-love wasn’t high enough to break the spell, my love for my son certainly was.

 

I ran from this man for years after that.  I moved from place to place, living under unlisted phone numbers, being extremely private about my life, and always worried that if he still had my social security number on some paper or something, he could track us down with it, so I never even changed my maiden name legally, because of that.  I didn’t want him to ever find us.

 

   I honestly was like Julia Roberts in ‘Sleeping With The Enemy’ for awhile, and faking a death wasn’t far from my thoughts at one time, believe it or not.  I’d have done whatever it would take.  I lived in fear and looking over my shoulder for YEARS, which by that time I had two beautiful sons in my life.

 

I eventually then met my soul mate, who had a lot of emotional baggage to deal with, on my end.  Thank God for therapy and for his patience!  It took some time before he could go to put his arm around me without me cowering and flinching.  Very sad indeed!  

 

I really started only feeling FULLY free a few short years ago.  I lived in the past for too long.  See, the old me would have been far too paranoid to blog and share photos, even though I try and be as careful as possible.  I don’t feel I look much like my former self anyhow.    The way I look at it is:  I used to live in fear , but now I live empowered.  If I saw him on the street today without my children around me, God help him.  Though He wouldn’t. 

 

He left his son in the dust quite literally.  It wasn’t him he wanted in the end, it was only me.  It was all an act. ‘Playing daddy.’  That control was something that he was addicted to, like his drugs.  Control over me, but no longer would I be his personal puppet.  I had moved on, and never felt so proud.

 

My son made me stronger.  I know if it weren’t for me getting pregnant with him, I wouldn’t be sitting here and writing this today.  I would have been dead.  I wouldn’t have finally been able to break the abuse cycle, and find myself a decent man, who would love me for me, not hurt me, hit me, hold a knife to my throat, strangle me, and threaten me and my family.  Those are things I can’t even begin to fathom dealing with now, and just plain wouldn’t. 

 

Was I stupid?  Sometimes I think ‘yes I had to be’, but then in my older adult mind I say ‘NO’.  I was young, misguided, naive, lonely, frightened, and human, without anybody else to support me and love me, and tell me that things were going to work out.  I had no shoulder, no rock. There is no more blame for myself.  I’m free from that.

 

So how did becoming a mother change my life?  It SAVED MY LIFE! 

  

 

Though my precious 1st son has since passed away, and I question God all the time.  I went through utter hell to have and to keep this precious child, and all for Him to just come along and snatch him away from me.  WHY, WHY, WHY?  Why would He allow that?

 

I realize now, some questions we won’t ever have the answers to until our next life, when we meet out maker.  We really have no choice but to wait it out, and just fight to live the best life we possibly can.  I always say, ‘My son lost his life, but he saved mine.’  What an unfair sacrifice, as I wish I could have reversed that, and have been the one to save his.  He is and always will be, my greatest hero.

 

Becoming a parent made me grow as a human being.  It made me realize what is really important in life.  It’s not about how many degrees I do or don’t have on my walls, or how many trophies I have from college sports, I never got to compete in.  It’s the daily enrichment of my life.  It’s the success I achieved simply by bringing these 5 precious little beings into this world, to mold, shape and change it.  Those things are what makes me most successful.

 

There is no better job or other life I would have ever chosen for myself.  I may not have a lot of money or success by having lived out the dreams that I had as a child.  And maybe those dreams of mine were forced to remain on the shelf, due to my choices.  I have honestly never looked back, or questioned my decisions.  I have no regrets in them.

 

Each and every life God has blessed me with, has bettered me, has made me a happier more vibrant person, and has given me so much pleasure, it goes beyond any worldly riches.  I feel like a millionaire every time I look into the face of one of my children and say to myself,  ’I am important to this world.  I created that face, that mind.  How wonderful is that?’

 

How has motherhood changed your life?  It’s not always an easy transition, but with any transition there is guaranteed change, so feel free to write below and share a short story with us, and thanks for reading this novel.

 

 

Breaking free from the chains..

 

A happy new life..EMPOWERED!

 

I am buzzing about this wonderfully planted seed, brought up by:  The Mom Adventures.  If you wish to read her post,

CLICK HERE

 

Always remember to never sell yourself short, and never settle for second best!  (Or 3rd, or 4th, or like I did, 1,000,000 th.)  Kids or no kids, you deserve so much more!