Endometriosis Is The Devil: Is There ANY Way To Kill This Pain?
Endometriosis Is The Devil: Is There ANY Way To Kill This Pain?
My twincesses are 4 years, 4 months, 1 week & 2 days old.
When I was young I took for granted only having 1 day of very light cramps during my perfect 28 day cycle. I never needed to miss school like I would for days now, and I felt so horrible for my childhood friend who got her period much younger, had such horrible pain that at only 12 she went on birth control pills for it, and I remember hearing adult talk about how she likely would never have children. I secretly cried for her. We both always wanted to be mommies.
One day the tides turned. She had her kids bing, bang, boom without even trying, she seemed to just grow out of the pain or the opposite happened, after kids her cycles were better, and all is fine with her now. With every child I got worse and worse and after the twins forget about it.
All my life is now is pain, pain, pain, and I should have cried for myself because I was the one who ended up with such a hard time having children. I miss the days of 1 not 30 days of feeling pain every month. I miss not knowing when my ovulation was because I felt nothing from it. I miss being a super nice person, because sometimes I feel like I am dying at certain points in my cycle and can be a real b&ch. Heating pads and Percocets even.. they just are NOT enough. What is a woman to do when these things barely touch the pain, and you feel like a lost cause?
This month I felt horrid cramps (aside from the usual) like I was 150% having my period but without any blood, just a couple of brown spots towards the end, for over 4 horrendous days. My period was 2 days late. Though we are certainly not trying to conceive at all, a small part of my wished in the back of my brain that I was pregnant so I could get 9 months free from this misery. It’s the only time I feel like my old self.
Everybody says what a happy pregnant person I am. Llittle do they know that in part it’s because I am not feeling pain nearly every day of the month. But last night I started bleeding and all I can say is thank God I have my own bathroom that nobody else uses. At night in the dark before I can see to clean up it looks like somebody was murdered in there. Sorry TMI, but seriously, I never had this when I was young. Tampons and pads when a regular tampon used to be enough. Now Ultra tampons along with pads need changing those first few days. It sucks! It’s such a curse. It’s endometriosis.
My mom had it, her mom had it, her mom’s sisters all had it. I guess I was doomed. I only pray to the good Lord above that my own 3 daughters never feel such pain. I’d feel beyond guilty if they had this to. Mom never told me about it until I was trying to conceive in my late 20’s and it wasn’t happening. (Thanks mom.) She just tells me, ”Try Aleve, it works.” If prescribed pills from a pain doctor don’t work nearly enough many days of the month, right now included, how could anything OTC? Doesn’t she think I’ve been there already? DUH! I’ve started giving up on the prescribed things on certain days, and I just wish there was another way, but nothing super drastic.
My mom tells me to do what she did. Have a complete hysterectomy. She did at 35. That isn’t rash or anything 🙄 , however, do I sometimes get so bad (like right now) that I pray my organs would fly out of my body and vanish? Yes. Do I ever consider it? Yes, while in dire pain. But do I truly want to throw myself into menopause at 38? No, honestly. I just want out of this pain. I have such a high tolerance for pain to. My husband would have jumped off of the Brooklyn Bridge years ago. It doesn’t help that I also have other painful physical conditions that only add to my daily plight.
What more can we do ladies who know my pain? Before and during the first 2-3 days of my period, it just isn’t at all tolerable, even though I wake up feeling some kind of pain every day, I can usually handle it. I don’t want to end up killing my liver in the long run just trying to attempt to feel ‘normal’. It’s just debilitating, and yet there of course is no cure. Laps surgeries? Never had one. My mother had several and they did nothing for her. My aunt said the same. If it didn’t grow back..sure, but if there are no promises of pain relief and it grows back anyhow (and it does) I’m not going to go there. A hysterectomy? I read that it is not even a guarantee of a pain-free life which is a total bummer for me to think about for the future.
I sometimes get bladder pain, but never ever have an infection when I visit the doctor. I have awful Irritable Bowel Syndrome with severe constipation, which creates worse than labor like cramps most times, hence why natural labor isn’t awful for me. I’m labeled the rock star in the maternity ward, but simply.. I’m just used to pain (sadly.) So this endo could have invaded other places anyhow and all be related. Then what does one do? If surgery was a cure all, fine. I’m not getting opened up for possibly nothing. If I ever had a c-section I would have had it taken care of then while opened, but I never have. Even my OB/GYN isn’t recommending that course of action for me, and he says the Lupron therapy is brutal. (I’ve read similar things.) He always just tells me to get pregnant again (ha, ha, ha). I must be one amazingly funny patient. He loves me in that office.
But seriously, I don’t think people take this pain seriously enough, especially men and women who never experienced anything like this. Pain in my belly, in my back, down my legs into my feet, heavy, heavy bleeding and moodiness. Pair it up with the migraine I have right now and often enjoys accompanying me on my 1st days of Aunt Flo, my husband should know to just stay out of my way. Crazy lady coming through. No, I deal pretty well but I do get agitated much easier. Who wouldn’t?
I have a pain doctor appointment today, and I am going to say that there are a couple of days during the month where these pills don’t begin to touch the pain. I could probably take the whole bottle and die before they relieved me from it, and sorry..I’m not going out like that. I never did drugs in my life. I was always as anti-pill and anti-pot and other illegal drugs, as I knew plenty of these people whose lives turned to pot. Just a little play on humor there. Unusually the ones who did the heavy stuff ended up the worst, but I tried pot one time to attempt to make my ex feel bad and stop doing his drugs. It didn’t work. I hated it and never touched it since.
Now I hear they use Cannibus for severe pain for certain conditions. I just happened to Google it for endometriosis, and would you believe it actually came up many time in searches and topics? Now I know I’m not crazy that I even felt to look it up during a tough time with such terrible pain. Many others are speaking about it online and obviously researching it to. I don’t want to fry my lungs and brain, but I need a change something fast because these pills do not work on some of my hardest days.
Sometimes a couple of glasses of wine helps much more than pills do, but again.. more worry about the liver, and I have kids, I can’t be drunk. I mean my husband is now retired and at home thankfully, so I don’t have to drive or leave home on a horrible period day or something. But I just wondered what others are doing for pain relief, and if there is any real hope in sight? You’d think they could cure this.
Sometimes I feel so alone in this because my mother just jumps to the extreme she had done, but there likely were other reasons she isn’t speaking of. I’d prefer to not have to do that, though sometimes it is tempting. I mean who knows what I want in the future. I’m not that old. I could have another child, though it isn’t planned. But I just really, really need a better way to cope with the pain at some points in my cycle, most specifically like right now where NOTHING works. I need someone who understands my plight because none of my friends do. And I hate when other people tell me that after kids I should have felt better and better not the opposite, but should that be true, I am one unlucky soul then. What good does their words do me now?
Thanks for allowing my rant. I’m just feeling helpless, hopeless and in dire pain this morning, as my heating pad burns my belly, but I don’t give a damn right now. I can’t take it away.
Coping with the curse of endometriosis
Pain surrounds me daily, I fight to look OK;
Nobody understands me, this hurt won’t go away.
Surrounding me are normals, while I am masking tears;
Praying for this curse to end, that I’ve endured for years.
Sometimes I cannot stand it, I ask the Lord, ”Why me”;
I take a pill or two but, sometimes it won’t help me.
The blood and cramps seem endless, as the heating pad burns skin;
I don’t feel any burning, that’s how much pain I’m in.
I stare outside my window, is there anyone like me?
Someone I can talk to, who fights this fight with me.
It’s called endometriosis, but to some it’s simply ‘cramps’;
It’s so much more, I know this, it’s a disease that lasts and lasts.
It changes who’s inside me, that sweet girl with the smile;
It’s hard to bring that girl down, but step inside her shoes awhile.
Can anybody save me? I’m drowning, can’t you see?
For those out there who suffer, This can’t be our destiny.
Copyright Shelly @ Twinpossible 2014