Domestic Violence. Ending The Pain. Statistics, Stories, Inspiration, + My Special Poem & Video.
Domestic Violence. Ending The Pain. Statistics, Stories, Inspiration, + My Special Poem & Video.
My babies are too close to 15 months. The twins are 14 months 3 weeks & 6 days old.
I was going to do a review today, but it can wait. I have been working on a video I happen to think is pretty darn important, about domestic violence, which usually means the abuse against women. (Or more often shall I say.)
Of course there are some cases where things go the other way around. No matter which way you slice it, it’s WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, and needs to be stopped.
I met another survivor much like myself yesterday, and she’s been out of her relationship for 3 and 1/2 years now, and just as I was at the 3 year mark, she still looks over her shoulder, you can still see the pain in her eyes, some fear left behind. I pained for her. It brought me back to her place. My place. The way it once was.
I moved from place to place, into different apartments, fearing who I talked to, wondering if word would get back to my ex somehow. Using disposable cell phones, telling guys I was ‘too damaged’ to date, just please walk away from me. Of course, my husband was one who just would not listen. I warned him, but I thank the dear Lord for him now.
It was a time and a place where social networking sites, or just the thought of them….’What are you kidding me? Keep in touch with your past? How about forget about the past! My Space..are you nuts?’ The ‘Do you Facebook?’ question I would get years after. ‘Hell no! Are you kidding me?’
Anybody I want to still know, I know, but there have been times where I haven’t even trusted my life long friends way back when. I think intense paranoia and social fear is part of it all. Especially for awhile after you get out.
It is extremely telling at how far I have come by having my own blog, pouring out my heart every day, and sharing pictures with the world. It’s something that would have seemed more like a nightmare, then dream come true some years ago. This blog truly makes me proud of me. Proud that I no longer fear ‘him’, and let ‘him’ have any place in my life…Any power.
It was very ironic. I happened to be working on the video below while bumping into somebody who ended up getting this personal with me. You could tell she REALLY wanted someone to talk to, as many sufferers and survivors do, but when they are trapped they aren’t able to reach out, and when they are free, they are desiring to, but still fearing to.
What do people think of me? Do they think me weak for staying around for so long? Am I the ugly freak…the stupid loser, this person told me I was for all of those years? Are they wondering why I would ever allow this? You don’t ever have to think or wonder these things around me. I know the answers.
People think you are strong for leaving. If you haven’t left, you are stronger then you know for thinking about ending it, and moving forward with your life. Every step deserves a pat on the back..even the little ones. Are you the ugly, stupid person this maniac made you feel like you were? Of course not.
You were brainwashed. You weren’t allowed to have opinions of yourself, they were made for you, and embedded into your mind so deeply, it’s all you could ever believe. Often you end up seeing what you are believing. Perception returns to normal, but it does take some time, I will say.
Weak for staying around? PLEASE! I used to think that, but when you fear for your life, and your family, and are threatened, you are absolutely mortified. It’s like a bank robber going into the bank with a gun in his hand and you are one of his hostages. Do you get up and walk out saying ‘screw you’, while he’s pointing a gun in your face? I don’t think so.
When you are in an abusive relationship, you may have times where the person is not around, but mentally…you always have that gun pointed right in your face. How could anybody ever blame you for staying? You feel trapped, even watched constantly. It’s an awful way to live!
I just pray that all victims can find a way out, because it never gets any better. It only gets worse and in the end quite likely fatal. I have no doubt I would be dead if I didn’t finally leave when I did. God saved me, and for this I will try and help save others if I can.
It takes A LOT of inner strength to. Inner strength is something that is purposely stripped away from a woman during her time with an abuser. Self confidence is stripped away, fear is instilled, family and friends are slowly stripped away…A woman’s independence. When you only have that one person, sometimes you even feel like you need them. Like what else is there for me? The answer to that is A LOT!
Believe that you are worth more, because you are!
I gave this woman a great big hug after our conversation. I was chasing the twins near shore side, and watching my other two swim so it wasn’t as one on one, and as in depth as I would have liked it to be. I could tell this woman desperately needed a friend, and wasn’t fully built back up again. It took me a better part of a decade, but good relationships sure do help.
I also gave her my phone number, not sure if I would ever hear from her again. To my great surprise I got a call last night from the woman who hasn’t had a true friend in the world in 12 long years. It made me smile. She happened to have a daughter a couple of years older then my 5 year old, and they got along famously, so we made play date plans for next week.
I look forward to helping her relate with somebody and hopefully heal some of her hurt. I feel like it’s my calling in life now to help others, as I have much life experience to draw from, and maybe it wasn’t all in vain. Maybe there is a purpose in everything.
Some facts about domestic violence.
*I know this topic doesn’t have to do with my blog topic of raising babies/children directly, but indirectly, if you have children and are in such a situation, they ARE involved and affected, so it kind of does.*.
#1) 1 in 4 women will be affected by domestic violence in her lifetime. That’s 25% of ALL women! This is a very important thing to talk about folks!
#2) Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury in young girls and women ages 15-44 years old. THE LEADING CAUSE! That beats out car accidents, muggings, home accidents, slips and falls, rapes…combined! With me it started at 15. 15 is a baby, I now realize.
Parents need to take notice. Everybody needs to open up their eyes and keep up on their daughters, mothers, sisters, cousins, friends, co-workers,…themselves! Never blink if you see any of the signs or have any ill feelings.
#3) No one is immune! It has nothing to do with social status, as we have seen with Rhianna and Chris Brown, or financial status, religion, ethnic background, age, educational backgrounds. Domestic violence can affect anybody, and it does.
#4) An assault due to domestic violence is very rarely an isolated incident. Meaning that the chance of him saying ‘I’m sorry’, and you NOT getting beat a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or 400th time is so rare, it’s hardly worth thinking about. Once an abuser always an abuser. As good of a liar the person may be, don’t fall into it. It’s all lies.
#5) 7.8 million women have been raped by their significant other at some point in their lifetime. I am one of those 7.8 million. It is NOT alright just because you were dating, or are dating now. Rape is rape. Don’t let him fool you.
#6) During pregnancy 25-40% of all women whom are in abusive relationships are battered. If they can harm you carrying their unborn child, what are they capable of once the child is here? You have to ask yourself that question. Sometimes it isn’t enough to leave for yourself, though it should be. If you have a child on the way or a child at home, do it for them. They are at risk to!
#7) Children who witness abuse against their mothers do often have emotional problems, sleeping problems including nightmares, attention disorders, withdrawal, and low self esteem. Trouble making friends and trusting. Even self-blame and possibly aggression. It affects your children more then you could ever know. My son was my inspiration.
#8) 1 in 12 women have been stalked in heir lifetime. Very scary to think about. It’s scary to live moving place to place, but there are resources out there, and battered women shelters that offer protection as well I know. Don’t fear taking refuge if you need to. Don’t let this fear stop you from breaking free. People do care.
#9) This is one of the scariest statistics of all. 30 to 60% of the children in households where the father abuses the mother, also become victims of violence and abuse themselves. Beware of what such people can be capable of. Protect your children please! They can also become future abusers themselves. My ex’s father was. That is very telling.
#10) Nearly 3 out of 4 Americans is or has been a victim of domestic violence themselves, or knows somebody who is or has. That is quite shocking. If you know somebody who is in such a situation, praying for them and wishing them well just isn’t enough. Do your best to reach out to them, get them legal help, give them shelter if needed. Call the cops if you witness violence.
Too many people turn away with a blind eye and don’t get involved. This is a great tragedy in our world today. The lack of help and compassion towards others. There were many times I can remember where in public beatings and incidents occurred, and people just watched or passed us by.
No one ever intervened enough to truly help save me, or call the cops and get this monster thrown in jail. We have to start looking out for our own kind. The entire human race. Friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike. They desperately need us in times like these. Please never ignore even a screaming match in public. It can turn ugly. Always look out for others. One day you may need their help to.
Domestic violence is all too common. It isn’t just on TV, in the news, or in movies. It’s real! The victims are not to blame. It’s so important that you and THEY know that. It is always the fault of the abuser himself. (Or herself in such cases.) The victim is always the victim, but eventually it is time to take the power back.
I know in my head that I’m a past victim of domestic violence, but I look at myself now as a ‘victim no more.’ Survivor is the word I use, because it’s what I feel I am. I don’t feel weak anymore. I don’t feel frightened for the first time in a very long time. It’s such a freeing feeling, that every current victim deserves to feel.
Here’s a little poem I wrote just now, and then I’ll share the video. The song ‘Fighter’ by Christina Aguilera, every time I’m in the car and hear that song, I get so angry at my ex and what I went through, and so empowered and strengthened by the lyrics, and happy to be where I’m at today. It’s the life I lived. (Past tense). It’s the life I no longer live. Enjoy it!
I met you at only fifteen.
You made me feel so safe.
At home I was unhappy.
You became my sweet escape.
At first you brought me flowers.
You would walk me to my door.
I felt just like a princess,
who wasn’t lonely anymore.
I found things started changing.
You would lie and steal, soon cheat,
Your words they grew so angry.
I became your piece of meat.
Those words turned into back hands,
yet I stayed with hope and fear.
How I believed your tearful ‘Sorrys’,
as you shed your phony tears.
I only wanted a happy ending,
but the abuse only got worse.
At this point I was brainwashed,
and your love became my curse.
There was no one who would save me.
Everyone just turned away.
How I tried so hard to change you,
but a monster can’t be changed.
It took years to break free from you,
and strength I never knew I had.
If someone else is hurting you,
walk away, and don’t look back!
Your life, it is so precious.
You’re worth nothing but the best.
Don’t believe the lies he tells you.
It’s control, he couldn’t care less.
HE IS NOT YOURS TO SAVE. DON’T BOTHER TRYING…SAVE YOURSELF, PLEASE! IT ISN’T WORTH DYING!
Poem & video copyright of Twinpossible 2011. Do NOT use without permission.
The following quiz could help you determine if you are in an abusive, or potentially abusive relationship. Has he ever:
1) Called you worthless?
2) Told you that you need counseling?
3) Called you a hurtful name?
4) Treated you like a slave or servant? Was he bossy to you?
5) Made you feel bad about yourself? Degraded you or your friends?
6) Broke something in your presence?
7) Slammed a door in a rage?
8 ) Punched a wall?
9) Grabbed you?
10) Restrained you?
11) Choked you?
12) Punched you?
13) Has tried to control you. What you wear, who you see, who you talk to, etc.
14) Abuses drugs/ alcohol & goes through rages, blaming the substances for their behavior.
15) Says they cannot live without you, and makes you feel guilty for trying to leave them.
16) Makes you cry often. (I swear abusers actually enjoy this. The power.)
17) Makes threats against you or your family.
These are all signs and symptoms of abuse. If you answered yes to even just one or two of these questions, please call someone or confide in somebody around you, even if it is a therapist or school counselor. Heck, even if it’s me! You know where to find me.
Know the signs. You don’t have to have had everything on this list happen, to be a victim of domestic violence. I have had them all and then some, but then again…I’m lucky to be here today. Don’t take those kind of odds.
Everything happens in stages, and abuse only escalates over time. If you notice some of the signs above, and the control issues starting up.. GET OUT before it’s too late, if you aren’t in a known abusive relationship already. (That you can realize.) Use this to also help a friend, or anybody. You just may save a life.
Call the number below if need be. It’s totally anonymous.
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
A large part of this quiz provided by groupinterventions.com. I added the last 5.
I won’t be putting up a blog post tomorrow. I have lots to do, and besides, I have a feeling most people will be busy enjoying the holiday with family, so HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY to you and yours, and I’ll be back on Tuesday!