Accommodative Esotropia: A Mother’s Heart Is Broken :( Annie’s Story!
Accommodative Esotropia: A Mother’s Heart Is Broken 🙁 Annie’s Story!
(I know this is super long, but read if you love me. I’d appreciate it. Sorry I didn’t get this up till late. I wrote it this A.M.)
I wasn’t even going to post today because my heart isn’t in it. I feel so broken. Yesterday’s appointment which I prayed so very hard for, did not go our way. My 6 year old begged to come to bring us good luck. I thought that was a good idea because I don’t have any luck of my own.
When we got to the office and were sitting there waiting, I honestly wanted to run. I looked around, my pulse rate quickened. My husband just looked at me and said, ‘No matter what Shell, we will go and get a second opinion.’ After reading up on Strabismus, I was feeling I knew my stuff well, which I like to be on the ball when I meet with any doctor. This usually shocks them.
I mentioned the camera flashes and that her eye reflections all lined up beautifully. This is what gave me some ever-growing confidence that she was fine. Guess I shouldn’t have let it. The doctor looked like she was about 25 but couldn’t have been. I honestly thought she was just the nurse who walks you in. She led me and Annie to the ‘big chair.’ Annie was exhausted so she sat there pretty well at first. (She is my super high strung baby. You can’t hold her back or down.)
She looked through her prisms..(attempted to, as Annie grew a little bit restless), and I brought up the pseudostrabismus. She said ‘Yes, that is what I think this just might be.’ My eyes lit up as I said on the inside, ‘Thank you sweet Jesus.’ That joy was very short-lived. She said, ‘Actually, she does have a bit of it, but you caught it early.’
My heart sank down, but what did this mean then? It’s slight, caught early…maybe what, you have some drops for her, or we ATTEMPT to patch her eye for a few weeks or months and all gone? Maybe some visual physical therapy once a week? NOPE! The doctor pulled out drops and dilated Annie’s eyes. She did NOT enjoy that, and not only was she now WIDE awake, but she was thrashing about at the doctor now, screaming her brains out. Now my Annie was back. We waited in the waiting area for 30 minutes but it seemed like 2 hours.
My 6 year old who was now complaining she was hungry over and over again, and by the way these are words I always wish to hear as I think she is too skinny, at this point in time I was finding it rather annoying as my nerves were 1/2 shot waiting to hear what was happening with my baby exactly. I should have brought something to eat, but we were in a big rush. No vending machines and the cafe was closed.
The time period elapsed and Annaliese’s name was called. She was NOT liking the doctor now at all and it was ever apparent. She screamed and fought, as we were forced to hold her arms and hands down, and keep her head still. I felt so bad for my bubba. The Doctor fought like crazy to look into her tired, squinty, tear-filled eyes. I don’t know how she saw a damn thing to be perfectly honest. She said, ‘She is slightly farsighted, but all kids this age are farsighted to some degree.’ That made me feel better hearing. I didn’t hear any bad words yet.
Suddenly along came the ‘G’ word. A word I did not want to hear. ‘Her prescription is very low.’ Prescription? Yes…GLASSES. I said, ‘You don’t know this child, she will never comply with that, and they would be broken instantly between her and her twin.’ She told me there is a special frame that is very bendable and can’t break, and she will get used to it. Young children like this don’t mind glasses. I can’t put sunglasses on her long enough for a cutesy picture. She does not know my child. I mean my other twin MAYBE, but not this one.
I felt myself choking up but I held it in for a little bit longer. I asked the question I sort of didn’t want to hear the answer to and did not expect this one. ‘How many hours a day does she have to wear these?’ I figured like patching, a few hours a day would do the trick. Hey, she herself said it wasn’t BAD. I expected that maybe we/she could handle a few hours, though I still didn’t know how.
She said all the time except for baths and sleeping. My heart further sunk. Ok, so how long until this problem is fixed I was thinking. Then I got the guts to ask. ‘How long will she have to wear these? A year or two?’ ‘Possibly to age 5 or 6’ she replied, but then suddenly that turned into hopefully by 8 or 10. I was confused, but numb so I just nodded as again, my heart sunk a little bit further to the floor.
When she said the eye will look more crossed when the glasses come off I felt like crying. You mean if I want a few pictures au-naturale or just want to see my baby as she is, I’ll be looking at something worse then what I see now, which isn’t much? I don’t at all like the sound of this. I know there are worse things in the world, and I have a healthy child. I shouldn’t be as devastated as I truly am, but I AM devastated.
I can’t picture this teeny, tiny face having to wear glasses. And all of the time? No way..I can’t envision it and I don’t want to. She’s just too little. I hardly ever see a toddler in glasses. It is so rare it seems, and I always feel so badly for them when I see it. I don’t want people looking at her because she’s so small and in glasses. I think, especially in this generation it’s harder because we just want our children to be perfect because life is cruel enough as is.
I don’t want people, children especially coming up to me and asking me why she has glasses. ‘What’s wrong with her?’ This is what my mind is predicting, and I can’t stomach the thought right now, though I know to most this seems rather trivial. I explained why I am why I am now after the hell I’ve endured in yesterday’s post, and I just want everything smooth and problem free but it never, ever happens. Feels like a Ferris Wheel ride I just can not get off of.
Then comes my thoughts for her in the future. In 4th grade I did something that sounds very ‘bizarre’, but mind you, I was extremely neglected attention wise in my home, and desperately craving some of it. What did I do about it? Well, one of the things I did? I purposely failed my eye test. I pretended I couldn’t see certain letters to try and GET glasses.
I was actually the kid who wanted to be on crutches and in a cast so I could get some attention I craved so badly. Sad right? I thought glasses might make my parents and others feel sorry for me, and grab me attention..somehow. Very stupid thought in looking back. Hey..I was what..8? Anyhow, I got my glasses and things didn’t work according to my plan.
In looking back, I guess I could have damaged my eyes, but I didn’t know that. My parents found out I stopped wearing my glasses in school and confronted me. I had been getting made fun of in class for wearing these glasses. That certainly wasn’t part of my plan, so I stopped, they found out, and I was forced to fess up to it. My mom still doesn’t find the story funny to this day. (Grudge holder.)
I still have that memory of getting picked on for my glasses. Later on in junior high and high school I didn’t have glasses, but got picked on anyhow. The world is even more of an awful and unkind place now. It’s hard enough without anything added to your plate. I guess my bullying makes me think a bit far ahead into the future, and fear things most moms wouldn’t even consider when told their tot needs glasses.
Anyway, back to the story regarding Annie. We left the office with script in hand, and a diagnosis of something called Accommodative Esotropia. Two words I never heard before, nor ever wanted to. I haven’t been able to bring myself to even look it up yet. When we walked out of the office my husband said over and over like a broken record, ‘We are getting a second opinion. We’ll take her into Manhattan if we have to. We’ll find the best of the best.’ Blah, blah, blah.
Then he went on with his usual, ‘I don’t think she is right. Annie didn’t sit still enough..she was tired and way too fidgety for her to diagnose her. I didn’t like how she said one minute she thinks yes it’s the false kind then bingo..something different. I don’t think she is sure, or could be the way Annie was in the office.’ Again, blah, blah, blah like a broken record I wanted to turn off. Normally, he comforts me by doing such things, this time I was annoyed by it.
I used to hinge on that kind of denial when I had my son, and guess what? I was never right and the doctor’s always were. I have learned to not create hope out of nothing any longer. I don’t believe a doctor would diagnose her if he or she wasn’t certain. Then he said, ‘But oh remember when the doctor screwed up and said I had…’ and I’m like ENOUGH! I don’t want to live in denial anymore. Yeah, we can get a second opinion, but I know it won’t be different. I won’t kid myself to believe anything otherwise. I can’t do that to myself anymore.
I kept quiet on the ride home. Because my 6 year old was there my crying in the front seat was silent. When I got home I came upstairs, hid from everybody and had a good cry. I then went back downstairs and looked at Annie. I can’t picture that little face in glasses, and every time I did I wanted to cry again.
Now I have one twin that has Eczema which DEVESTATED me to hear and to see, and now this. I just hope we can find a doctor who maybe has another option then 24-7 glasses. I don’t know though. I mean if it’s so slight, why so long in glasses? I’m praying another doctor might offer up at least some other things to possibly try. That’s my only hope right now. Not a change in diagnosis. If we were to get one, I will kiss the sky!
Ok..I’m going to stop babbling now. I haven’t eaten a thing since yesterday morning. My appetite seems to shut down when I am nervous and then stressed after the appointment. I know I have to eat this morning, so let me go and do that before the morning rush begins.
They better have some DAMN cute glasses for babies that look freakin’ adorable beyond words. That is all I have to say. I mean..SUPER adorable! Ok..I don’t want to say it. Maybe we’ll find a doctor who’ll patch or something. I’m just feeling broken right now.
UGH…I just looked up these Miraflex glasses she spoke about. They are horrible looking, not to mention very plain and cheap looking. Don’t they have anything cute and doesn’t make the child look so obviously different AND be durable? No way!
Cute baby..ugly glasses. Ut-uh!
Sorry but these look terrible to me. I just don’t want to think of my baby in any glasses I guess, but….whoa is me. I want to cry again.
I had a review and giveaway for today, but my heart is absolutely not in it. I’ll bring that to you on Monday, so look for that. Enjoy the weekend folks.
**PS- If anybody knows an amazing eye doctor located in Long Island, NY or in Manhattan, please let me know about him or her. I don’t want to wait on this longer and possibly have things get worse.**
‘Sometimes I wonder why I pray and I pray, and I know there’s a God I am praying to, but he just doesn’t seem to want to answer my calls.’ Sad Mama P.