A Poem About Miscarriage & The End Of A Pregnancy
A Poem About Miscarriage & The End Of A Pregnancy
Losing a Piece of Me
I got the news my world would change, one steamy day in June,
A life was growing deep inside, my heart and in my womb.
I didn’t know how I’d tell dad, I feared for what would come,
He seemed so sure inside himself, his baby days were done.
Quite an unexpected miracle, God planted deep within,
Over time we came to realize, it was love that we were in.
I looked in stores at clothing racks, and pondered what I’d buy,
I waited for the day where we could view you from inside.
What would you be, a boy or girl, would you have daddy’s eyes?
Sometimes the best things in this life, do come as a surprise.
I secretly thought of baby names, and dusted off old books,
To read about your tiny life, and get an inside look.
I didn’t know, one August day, my dreams would crumble down,
My hopes for all that you would be, were suddenly snuffed out.
I looked up at the ultrasound, like many times before,
But this time things looked different, and my heart fell to the floor.
Your little body did not move, your limbs were motionless,
I prayed your tiny heart would beat, knowing my hope was useless.
The doctor stared with heavy eyes, as he confirmed my fears,
I’d never hold you in my arms, I fought to hold back tears.
I know that I have one more angel, now standing at my side,
I realize that life never ends, not even when we die.
But in this world I’ll never get the chance to watch you grow,
To play with you and teach you all the things you’d need to know.
I questioned God and said, ”Why me” at least a million times,
My faith was shaken drastically, ”Lord why did you take mine?”
I saw you leave my womb tonight, the pain was much to bear,
But emotionally the physical pain could never, ever compare.
That was the end, the death of a dream, as I said my last goodbyes,
Open up your wings real wide my love, and fly into the skies.
For you are now a star I’ll see, when nightfall ends our day,
You have a beat inside my heart, and I’ll miss you every day.
*Poem copyright of Shelly & Twinpossible. All rights reserved.*
(Update for those following me on Facebook. Or for just anybody who cares or may be in my boat.)
I had some bleeding last night that after a couple of hours was accompanied by some tanish/grayish looking ’tissue’ that emerged from inside of me. (Sorry TMI). Let me start at the beginning. I actually did go out yesterday, which I was not going to, but I had forgotten a promise I made to my daughter, who’ll be back in school in a matter of days. And I really did figure I’d be alright, and if need be my husband was very nearby. He had his phone volume up all of the way and had been texting me like crazy.
I really wasn’t expecting anything, because honestly the cramps seemed to have faded well before I decided to leave my home. I figured I’ll just see the doctor the next day (today) and I’d probobly be facing surgery. My baby had been gone already for 2 and 1/2 weeks. I read it can be longer than that. What were the chances of last night?
Thankfully, nothing happened that my daughter knew about. I went into the bathroom stall, and I was wearing a pad already ‘in case’ because I had had a bit of intermittent bleeding over the last few days, and it was possible. So, of course, best to be safe than sorry. Thankfully so. There was bright red blood on my pad. I can’t even say at this point it was even as dramatic as my periods which are very heavy, but I knew what it had to do with. This wasn’t a period and it wasn’t spotting.
My doctor really never explained to me how I might feel. When I went into the bathroom and forced my daughter to wait outside of the stall for her sake, I knew what was likely happening, and I had to go home STAT! On the fast drive home, and I mean fast enough that I KNOW that I got one of those damn tickets you get when you go through a yellow light that turns red and the camera light flashes. I will admit I didn’t stop short. I cruised through. (Nobody was behind or on the side of me to worry about.) But now I will pay the price for it via ticket..whatever. Hub isn’t mad about that due to the circumstances when I told him.
I got in, kissed the kids and told them I had a ”poopy cramp” which they know all about those from over the years with my IBS and all. My lower back really ached quite a bit. It hurt. I don’t usually notice any back pain with a period. This was something a little bit weird. It was after 10 PM at this point, and so I asked my husband to call the emergency line at my OB/GYN’s office. When the doctor on call, not my own doc, called back and I spoke with him, I had already felt pains in my belly much like mini-labor pains. It felt like tightening and releasing to some extent in the way lower belly, but NOT as bad as full term pains, however, not pleasant at all either.
I do have a high tolerance for pain though. I didn’t know I was in true labor with the twins until going to the doctor’s office 7 centimeters dilated, and still waiting to be called in, completely unsure. Even letting another preggo cut me in line to use the bathroom since she seemed so eager to go. I was told to rush my hide to the hospital STAT.
The doctor who called us back advised me that since I was seeing my doctor tomorrow (today) there was no need to rush to the hospital. There is nothing that can be done to prevent the loss. I already knew he or she was gone though. I was miscarrying and in order to know if I passed everything or will continue to, is via an ultrasound scan, which I assume I will get one today.
It may sound sick, but I couldn’t help but pick up the tissue that I found in the toilet bowl and put it in a baggie. First I stared at it as I sat back down on the toilet. Then I BAWLED. This was my child. WOW! Some I wasn’t sure of what it was, but other things were clear. I could make out several human characteristics. It wasn’t AS perfectly formed as some pictures of embryos at this stage, but close enough. It was in a way eery, but I wanted to do it. I needed to do it. I kept it also to bring to the doctor with me as well. Not sure what will happen after that. (Testing, etc.)
I cried and woke up one twin, which then woke up the other. My husband had to skip work which now he will get in big trouble for. He can’t even miss it, since he’s minus all of his personal days, even if I were to die in a flaming auto wreck…he must go in. How sick of a company is that? Screw them right now.
I still have some fairly bad cramps (not as bad as the ones I had when I passed my child). And a little bit of lower back pain, though again, not as bad as before and during the passing. That felt the worst. I was in a good mood prior and just became a wrecking ball of emotion. I’m praying that everything is gone, but I’m feeling very unsure as I saw a very VERY small clump come out of me this morning. If my ultrasound today isn’t clear, I will still need to have the D&C procedure I reckon. Right now it just feels like I have my period, even though the bleeding has gotten heavier overnight, it’s not soaking more than 1 pad per hour. How long this lasts, I do not know.
I’m kind of numb. I know I wanted to go this route emotionally if it were possible, but it’s so not an easy thing to have to see. I’m guessing with a D&C I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to lay eyes on my child. At least I got to do that, though it is far from the way that I wanted to hold him or her many months from now 😥 .
I don’t know if they can still do testing on my baby. I can’t tell with my eyes what was wrong or if it were a boy or girl. I mean testing would be good for knowing the reason why this happened, though I know in most cases it has to do with a chromosomal abnormality in which the child would have been very, very ill and likely incompatible with life. I have gone through having a sick child who passed away. I guess sometimes these things happen to prevent a tragedy like that. I don’t know. I think I want to know though. I don’t know if our insurance will cover all of the testing (I doubt it) but we will talk about it on our way to the doctor today and then with the doctor.
Emotionally today I am doing better than I expected. I only got about 4 hours of sleep, but despite that and last night’s ordeal I am feeling ‘OK’. I think better than if I had the D&C, though in some ways it’s harder. I like to know things, to get to say goodbye and mourn properly. I think last night enabled me to do that, and now all I can hope for is a clear ultrasound. I’d hate to have to have a procedure at this point. Only time will tell.
I don’t know how long I can expect to bleed, cramp, and feel any of these physical effects, but I know now that I AM going to be alright. Thank you all who have given me such amazing support. This is not how I wanted this story to end. I really wanted that baby so badly. I guess it’s now in God’s hands if I will ever be blessed again. The odds are against us though. I don’t know how my hub feels either. The saddest part for me now is imagining never being blessed again, though I know this experience will forever haunt me if I did get pregnant.
Ok, I wrote a novel here. I just wanted to post about this very personal situation because there are MILLIONS out there like me. I want to let you know that if you are going through this awful pain you are NOT alone in it. If you want to lean on me and would like someone to lean on you to *smile* you can contact me at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
God bless you all!
Wish me luck!