6 BIG Relationship Don’ts
6 BIG Relationship Don’ts
The twinkle toes are 4 years, 1 month, 2 weeks & 6 days old.
OK, I have been in my share of relationships. Some good, many bad. OK, all bad to some extent except for my husband. One seemed good, really good at the time, but things ended with betrayal and years of pining thereafter. Hindsight is the only sight that is ever truly 20/20.
One relationship was outright as abusive as abusive can get, so I think I have some good life experience to talk relationships here. I have been on all sides of the spectrum with a lot of life experience that I built on and now can share with the world. Relationship Do’s to follow this post. I will link them together when it is up tomorrow.
1) NEVER stay with a man or a woman you don’t trust.
It will make you freakin’ crazy, until time goes by and you end up years later and you lived those years being not-so-happy as you waited for the other shoe to drop. You can become crazy paranoid and jealous to. What for? Once trust is broken it is virtually impossible to regain completely. Actually, I say totally impossible. Forgive..yes. Forget? NEVER!
I wasted some of the best years of my life in crappy relationships I should have high-tailed it out of sooner. They could never have lasted, but denial and fear of loneliness can be powerful emotions. Ones where there was proven cheating, suspected cheating, then one that just was doing some online, what I consider to be cheating stuff, but by that point I was done and it was enough for me. Not to mention all of the lies. I had enough time wasted under my belt. I started building up my self-esteem so I finally KNEW I deserved better and could do better. I was very right.
If you can’t trust someone, and trust isn’t big it is huge. It’s like the biggest thing in a relationship. You may think you can forgive and move on but believe you me, it always comes back around, and while you are waiting it tears you up inside as you go along. Is that really fair to your heart? There is no peace, no true harmony. You are always wondering and feeling insecure. Bull &^%^…you don’t need that crap. You are #1! You are amazing, wonderful, special. If you have to worry about somebody else not finding you enough for him or her, or wondering if they are keeping secrets when you should be the one person that they trust then don’t let yourself stay in that situation. I know ‘you love them’ but like that ‘ol song goes, and I know this all too well. ”Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough.”
CHEATING..GONE! LIES..GONE. It took me many years to practice what I preached, and know that I deserve this respect, but trust me, any breech of trust my husband knows, I am not afraid to walk, despite love and sharing children. I don’t play anymore, and nobody plays with me, nor should they play with you and your heart.
2) Don’t believe it will never happen again if somebody hurts/ hits you.
(Verbal, psychological abuse also mentioned. That’s where it commonly starts.)
Push, slap, it doesn’t have to be a punch, it all escalates to the same dark, ugly place. It’s one word and one word only, and that word is abuse. Why should you allow yourself to be abused? You are incredible! You should be held up and admired like gold, not thrown on the floor and stepped on like dirt. (This goes for both women AND men.)
Abuse can start really mild. You may not even realize you are an abuse victim yet. It can start out with verbal and psychological abuse, which often can hurt worse than fists do and mess your head up even more so. If you see the signs in your own relationship or a friend or family member’s relationship…help them know this will only get worse and they should, or you should run like hell before it gets worse, or is even too late. It’s a miracle I am sitting here alive today, and it all started out with words to belittle me and make me feel unbeautiful and unworthy of better. A common thing done to keep you in a bad place. Don’t allow this to happen to you. If it happens once trust me, it will get worse and it will happen again and again and again.
Don’t fall for the tears, apologies and excuses. Been there done that. My ex used to go so far as to pine away about his dead mom and then say without me he wasn’t wanting to live and would start walking in the middle of the street, on the train tracks, grabbing a knife ”I’m gonna kill myself”, etc. until I said ”Ok, I won’t leave you.” If you get in that deep trust me, RUN! They ain’t killing themselves, believe you me. These are psychopaths, narcissists. They are not going to hurt themselves. It is all a ploy. Now in hindsight I should have said, ”OK, have fun.” It wouldn’t have happened anyhow.
You can’t ever save or change anybody, so do not waste your time even trying. A BIG piece of advice from me to you. I have been there. It just isn’t possible. The only one you can change and save is yourself! So please always have enough self-esteem to know you do deserve better, and run don’t walk..FAST!
3) Don’t have sex too soon.
(Keep those drawers on for awhile 😯 .)
Real life isn’t an episode of Sex in the City. You don’t have to jump into bed on the 1st date, and you shouldn’t jump into bed on the first, second or third dates. Samantha would throw a pie in my face right now, but it is true. For men, just stop reading this one right now because you will take it any which way you can get it, and are dreaming of sex on the first date, but admit it….are those the gals that you really wind up wanting to marry and have your babies? Most usually not. It either becomes a one night stand or a mostly or totally sexual relationship, which can go on for days, weeks, months or longer depending on how good it is..ha, ha. Or just based on the overall mind-set of the people involved in the situation.
You my lady will end up with a sore heart and the feeling of being used in the end. Is that a fun feeling? NO! You won’t end up with a ring on your finger if that’s what you are hoping for. You will end up not at fancy dinners, movies and being introduced to parents, but in the back of the car, in a basement apartment having sex, and other like places. Most usually, not always, but the vast majority of the time these relationships do not last. Men love sex, but they also (in terms of falling in love and wanting a real relationship with you) want mystery, excitement, the thrill of the chase. The chase is exciting to them. Give it up too soon and the chase is over, and they might well be starting up a new race the very next night.
Sex doesn’t make men fall in love, although they may fall in lust. Is that really what you are looking for? Sex is important and wonderful, and sexual attraction is HUGE in a relationship, but to get to know each other before having sex is mucho importante. Friendship first always leads to the best relationships. I’m not talking about waiting years, unless that is your belief system. All women should have morals. But we have all made mistakes before. We are human beings to. If you have sex too soon, chances are you lose the ability to truly go back and start getting to know each other really well. Sexually charged relationships never end up to be that ‘love of your life’, just ‘lust of your life’ kind of thing.
Not enough sex makes women feel unattractive. Too much sex and little more can make us feel good for awhile but then used in the end. Sometimes they won’t even call because they don’t respect you. Don’t make that mistake. Make the guy wait. I drove my husband CRAZY, and a good guy will wait as long as you need to be ready. If he won’t, he certainly is not the guy for you. Get to know each other then bring on the bangin’ 😆 (When the time is truly right). Let him see your mind before he sees your booty. If that means limiting your alcohol intake on a date…do it!
Intense attraction can even make some women do certain things they wouldn’t do with the normal guy, but if you are thinking relationship, this is totally not the way to start out one for both sexes. Men who came on too strong too fast sexually with me, which happened a lot in my time, never got a repeat phone call, let me just say that. It can go both ways.
4) Don’t ever appear desperate!
Men don’t like desperation, and most women don’t like it either. Even if some aspects of it may seem flattering at the time, it can also get pretty creepy. If you feel like you are desperate..hide it at all costs, but do know that you shouldn’t be desperate to begin with. Building up your self-esteem before a relationship is the most healthy way to begin one. When you seem too vulnerable and too eager you either end up rejected or used and abused in the end.
I’m not going to say that men enjoy games. (OK, I think they aren’t really aware of this, but they kind of do). While women don’t like them at all, but they also don’t like men (or women) that push way too hard, way too fast. You got to slow down. Don’t be pushy or over-step boundaries. Confidence is absolutely the most sexy thing in the world. It can make you look more beautiful or handsome to the opposite sex. Do make sure you have plenty of it. Confidence is HOT! (Didn’t you know?)
Desperation shows a lack of confidence within a person. Build that up and you will be ready for a more healthy, successful relationship. Admittedly, there were times in life I even had to fake that (ha, ha). But eventually faking it helped me to believe it. Whatever you got to do to get yourself through the night, but play it cool. Don’t be over-eager and see where the road takes you. If he or she is not the one there is always somebody else on the horizon. Don’t feel like it’s all or nothing. A soul mate takes a long time to find. There are usually broken hearts along the way before that relationship is found. Meanwhile, protect your own heart as best you can.
5) Don’t push too far too fast.
(Talk of love, marriage, kids, a future, etc.)
This kind of goes under seeming desperate, but in my opinion it deserves its own number. Don’t say I love you too fast. Even if I felt it, I always waited for the guy to say it first because I knew it can be a put off to a man, or can even have you ending up in an uncomfortable predicament if it is not reciprocated.
Also, don’t talk kids, marriage, moving in together too soon in a relationship. This is another big put off to a man (or a woman many times, but a bit less frequently.) We like them to have goals in life that may include us, but desperation again is not attractive to either sex, so it depends on how it all goes down. Take things in stride, and even if you have these fantasies inside of your mind it will be a mistake to voice them. Your new partner might be on the run so fast you’ll never catch him again.
Baby steps my friends. Let things progress and keep those feelings inside until they are brought up by your partner, or you are together for a real long time and are like ‘is this man ever going to marry me’ because this can be an absolute relationship killer. I mean it is fine to want to know their stand. Does he or she ever want to get married? Do they like children? Do they EVER want to have kids? But you will find out those answers over basic talking and getting to know one another. You don’t need lay any pressure on to find out where this person’s mind is at.
If you want marriage and a family and this person talks about being dead set against it, wanting to be a playboy for life, might he (or you) change his mind if the relationship is new? Possibly. Do you want to have to try? No. That type of work is exhausting, and in the end you might not win. You want somebody to share your ideals, but you don’t want to bring them up too soon. It’s a big turnoff. Just make conversation, find out where the person’s head is at, keep your feelings inside, but if he or she is on a totally different page and it is obvious, you may want to re-think continuing on. You may waste years waiting for something that may never, ever happen. Just never voice these things soon. Best when they start the lead on this one.
6) Money, money..the root of all evil.
They say don’t loan money to a friend. Don’t loan money to a new boyfriend or girlfriend either. It can cause extreme relationship woes. And if a new partner is asking for money, you also have to question ‘am I being used here for my cash?’ You don’t want to waste time in that type of relationship. It will leave more than your heart empty.
One the flip side, don’t think money can buy you love because it can’t. This goes for both men and women. Don’t think buying expensive gifts and flowers all the time is going to win anybody over, because in the long run it’s not. (I’ve found it a turnoff with no winners.) This can also seem like a form of desperation, even if your heart is in the right place. This type of giving is not necessary and can have a negative effect by a) you becoming used for your money and then dumped for somebody else in time. b) It sends out the wrong message. Women much prefer a single red rose and a romantic poem to a pricey gift. (I know I do.) Unless the person is self-centered, often less is more. You can’t buy somebody’s affections. You need not ever even try to buy a piece of his or her heart.
Some women (and men) will play the part and take everything they can get from you. (They are called ‘gold diggers’.) Is that really the person you’d like to end up with in the long run? They won’t be there when the money runs out these types of people, if you know what I mean. Don’t try and over-impress somebody because you may just do the exact opposite. Impress them with your words, kindness and a sincere heart.
OK, there are many more relationship don’ts I have to share, but that will be at another time. This post is getting too long here. I also have DO’S in my mind. I will share some of those this week. Until then, stay safe and always protect your heart. If you happen to have children from past relationship(s) remember to always protect them along with you. If you don’t care enough about yourself to allow yourself to not be mistreated, love them enough not to be. They are VERY impressionable, and your bad relationship will have a negative effect on their own little lives. Just a mental note there.
Best of luck!